The Big Question

Now at 25 weeks with an obvious baby bump I regularly get the question “Do you know what it is?”. This question use to bother me as neither my husband nor I want to know the sex of our children before they are born, however it is becoming more and more unusual not to find out.

I have to say that with the second time around I feel like it would be easier to plan if I knew what it was, but at the same time it wouldn’t change much either. We live in a tiny apartment and the baby will sleep in the same space regardless of sex. I have a ton of unisex clothing from our first son, so I don’t need to buy much at first, and if it is girl, well l she will just be dressed a little more like a tom boy.

I do think that knowing what gender the baby is would probably help a mother feel more bonded with her child pre-birth. If you know what you are having you can choose a name and begin having personal conversations with your child.  I find it is a little challenging to feel a connection to a being inside me when I have no idea who it is in there.

But call me old fashioned, I never open a present early and I don’t want to know. We are having a scheduled C-section (a whole other topic), so will know when we are having our baby, but we still want a little mystery in the excitement of our new arrival.

Any other thoughts on knowing, vs. not knowing?

Mother's Day Reflections

Being Mother’s day in a few days I have been reflecting on being a Mother and on my own experience. I have to say I thought it would be easier. I am the oldest of a family of 6, my youngest sibling is 15 years younger than me. I figured I had a ton of “mothering” experience, also part of the reason I was in no hurry to have my own children. We got married at 22, but did not start our family until we were 29.

In the first weeks, months, now years I am continually surprised in how much work it is to be a mother, and a wife and all the other roles required of me in my life.

To work 40 hours a week, stay on top of groceries, laundry, house work, spend enough time with my husband and child, requires so much more of me than I thought.

I always thought I would be a really laid back parent, but I find I worry about all sorts of things I never thought I would. More and more I realize that being a parent is learned, it is not a natural thing. Like most people I am sure, I like to be good at what I do, I avoid things that I can’t pick up relatively quickly, I hate to make mistakes, and as a parent I do….daily.

Anyways what I wanted to get at is that I like to feel sorry for myself, to think that I have so much to do, and not enough support from my husband. I catch myself when I start to do this, because I cannot help but think how good I really do have it compared to the majority of woman around the world. If I think about what my life would look like it I was a woman in Afghanistan, India, Africa, or any number of any countries where woman are barely considered human  I cannot even compare my complaints to what their reality is.

I read stories such as these here, and feel wretched that I ever complain about the lot I was blessed with in life. These women are faced with unbelievable treatment for circumstances that are fairly beyond their control, yet they persevere and do not give up in order to provide the best future for their children.

Really as a mother in North America, I have nothing to complain about.

Information

A friend of mine is having a baby today, like right now.  In fact I can also tell you that she's 5 cm and they will be breaking her water soon.  How do I know all this?  Her husband keeps updating us on Twitter which feeds into Facebook. 
I received some other good news today, a great friend of mine got engaged last night.  How do I know this?  She called me this morning to let me know. 
This got me thinking about the age we live in and how we share information.  How do you share stuff?  Maybe I'm letting my generation show a bit, but I don't tweet.  I do update my Facebook. 
And how much do you share?  Are you like my cousin who always has an amusing joke on your updates?  Or, does everyone know what's happening with your kids because of yours?
I'm one of those that share things like my son's hockey scores or my 3 year old's anectodes.   But I know everyone on my Facebook in real life.  I have high security settings. 
My friend who is letting us know his wife's labouring progress has a big twitter following.  He doesn't know everyone personally on his list.  He's also about 10 years younger than me.  Is it a generation thing?  Do those younger than me just not think twice about that sort of thing?
My friend who called me this morning to share her news had yet to make the big Facebook announcement, she wanted to tell everyone that was important to her herself.  She's just a couple of years younger than me. 
I know this isn't as much of a parenting topic as usual, but it does have me wondering about the generation of kids we are raising.  What is life going to be like for them?  How much information should be going out online?  How much should we be sharing about our kids and our lives online?  I don't have any solid answers, but I know what I'm comfortable with.  How about you?

Most Annoying

My son was watching Caillou this morning.  Caillou is the one TV character that drives me around the bend.  He is so whiny!  Seriously, it bothers me enough when my own kids whine, why do I have to listen to that on TV?  And it's not even that good of a show?  How in the world do my kids like this stuff?  This started an interested chat with my husband who said, "So, you feel the way about Caillou, the way I feel about Dora and Diego."  The both of them shout everything.   Dora offends him the worst of all.  He just wants her to shut up already.  So what about you?  Who do you think is the most annoying children's TV personality?

*I usually don't let Caillou be on the TV because he's THAT annoying to me, but I went out to do errands, leaving my son home with my husband who let him watch it.

Mouring Experience

My little girl is 7 months old.  She was born prematurely via c-section back in January.  Because of her unexpected delivery and manner of delivery I feel like I missed out.  She's my 3rd so I know what making it to term and labouring to deliver is like.  In fact I consider my 2nd son's birth to be one of the most perfect day of my life.  Now here I am 7 months removed from my daughter's birth and I still have a little bit of mourning going on.  I know project healthy baby is the most important thing (and she really is lovely!) but I still get these twinges.  Her birth happened so quickly and I never thought I would have a C that it seemed like it was over before it was begun.  Just a little wistful today I guess.

Amusing myself with kid's TV

These are random thoughts I have when watching a little TV with my kids.

What is the nature of the relationship between Handy Manny and Kelly?
How about Bob the Builder and Wendy?
Where in the world are Max and Ruby's parents?  Should an 8 year old really be in charge of her 3 year old brother?
Why does Nina spend so much time hanging around the Imagination Movers?  Is she leading them all on?
How come Dora and Diego can go pretty much anywhere in the world they want to without any adult supervision?
What's up with the Wiggles?  No one smiles that much. 
Speaking of the Wiggles, here's some of Dylan Moran's brillance on the subject while in Melbourne:





What are your random thoughts on kids TV?  Come on, I know you have them.

*Don't forget to enter our iTunes giveaway!  Contest closes on Friday, the 6th!

The Incredible Growing Child

Two of my children have gone through growth spurts recently, my oldest and my youngest.  You can literally see them growing.  Clothes that my daughter wore last week are too small for her this week.  She jumped a diaper size too.  You expect that with babies.  It's my son (who just turned 6) that is astounding me.  He's gone up a size too, but it's his appetite that I can't get over.  He used to eat pretty normally for a young boy.  But now I can't seem to fill him up.  For example, we went for subs at Subway last Sunday.  Usually, my boys split a 6 inch pizza sub, a bag of Doritos and a chocolate milk.  Because I knew the oldest was eating more my husband got a foot long sub, thinking we could put any leftovers into the fridge for another day.  Our 3 year old ate his usual bit (1/4 of a foot long).  The incredible growing boy ate the rest.  That's right 3/4 of a foot long, plus a bag of chips and a chocolate milk.  That's more than I eat!  On Tuesday, he 4 slices of pizza!  Usually he eats just one or two.  The phrase we're hearing from him often is, "Can I have seconds please?, you know me, I'm always hungry!".  If he's like this at 6, what is he going to be like when he's a teenager?

Yes, i'm travelling with my baby - a Mama rant

We just got back from a two week vacation visiting relatives and friends on the other side of the country.  To get there we take 2 planes, and of course 2 planes to get home.  Usually the airline we fly (Westjet) does its best to fly families with small children close together.  And that held true on 3 of the 4 flights.  But on the 4th flight we were the only family flying with a baby.  My husband sat on one side with the 2 boys and I was on the aisle of the other with my baby girl in my lap.  As the other passengers were boarding I could see the fear in the eyes as they approached.  The look that said, "Please, don't let me be sitting next to that baby!" 
The first girl who was in the same section of seats was visibly pissed off that she was the chosen one.  The second girl (the one next to me) appeared to like kids and started cooing at our little darling.  Once the plane was filled, the flight attendant came up to the one in the middle (the one who likes kids) and offered to move her so that I could use the extra seat for baby room.  (Good on ya Westjet!).  It did piss off the other girl even more.  She clearly had the look of, "why couldn't I be moved?" on her face.  It got even worse when the gentleman in front of her fully reclined his seat and proceeded to fall asleep.
There are 2 ways of looking at this situation.  One, feel badly for the girl who didn't ask to sit next to a baby (who slept most of the flight BTW).  Or two, feel badly for the mother flying with the baby who didn't ask to be seated next to someone who clearly doesn't like small children.    Babies travel too.  And yes they cry on the plane.  They don't like being cooped up for hours at a time.  They don't understand why they have to stay in Mom's arms for that long.  They don't know about flight pressure on their ears.  They really don't like announcements waking them up just as they are drifting off to sleep.  They would rather be exploring.  They would rather play.  They'd rather have a smile back at them instead of a scowl.  And trust me, when my baby is crying on board, I know how terribly annoying that can be for you.  And yes, I'm doing everything I can to get her to settle and be happy!

When did 2 mean perfect?

This little rant has been preying on my mind for a few months now. Because my daughter was born prematurely we were automatically entitled to a visit from the public health nurse. It was alright, though a little useless to me as she was my 3rd child and a month old when she came home. What irked me was the phone call I got the next day. Her supervisor noticed that I'd been pregnant 6 times and did I need any help with birth control? Excuse me? I don't know if she noticed that while I'd been pregnant 6 times, I'd lost 3 babies to miscarriage. All pregnancies were planned. All children were wanted and all lost babies were mourned. So no, I didn't need any help with birth control.
My husband and I always wanted a big family. We knew we wanted at least 3 and probably 4 children. We certainly didn't anticipate miscarriage(s) along the way. We also didn't anticipate the health risk that this last pregnancy posed to me in the end.
What I did become aware of before and since having my 3rd baby was the surprise that we wanted more than 2. And odd thoughts came into my head. Was I being greedy having 3. Socially irresponsible? Unreasonable? Wait a minute, since when did 2 become the magic number? Isn't that what our society like? 2 kids, preferably a boy and a girl. I got that comment a lot too, "pregnant again, going for the girl are you?" Honestly, we would have been just fine having a 3rd boy.
It's true though, having more than 2 you get a few looks. We were out at the store without our oldest the other day (he was at school) and someone actually said to us, "Hit the golden jackpot did you, a boy and a girl", you should have seen the surprise when I told her that our other son was at school.
I don't know why our culture feels this way? Why shouldn't a happily married, socially responsible couple have more than 2 children? You know that for the first time ever our country is facing an upside down population, where the retired age is outnumbering any other age? We have a declining birthrate for the first time ever. It's funny isn't it? We have less marriage, increased birth control, increased abortion, increased number of children in a 1 parent household, increased children being raised by grandparent. What does that say about our view of family? Maybe it isn't so odd that I would be asked about birth control? Maybe the public health system doesn't see a lot of happily married couples raising their kids and taking responsibility for them? I don't know.

Food for Thought - Why does our culture fight our nature?

I got my new issue of Today's Parent in the mail this week and I read the most interesting article in it. Well, I found it interesting because it confirms something I believed in quite naturally that our culture would have wanted to correct me on. Let me explain: I'm a breastfeeding mama. I've nursed all three of my children. What's one thing that you always hear about nursing your babies and sleep? "Don't let your baby get in the habit of falling asleep while nursing!" It's one of the supposed sins of parenting. Apparently that's just a terribly bad habit. Well, I am one parent who admits to nursing her babies to sleep. I rocked them to sleep. I cuddled them to sleep. All things that we are not supposed to do because we are supposed to teach baby how to go to sleep on their own. That is one of the goals in our culture.
Here's a quote I read this week: "Babies are biologically designed to sleep at the breast. It's clear from the composition of the milk and the baby's hormonal response to nursing that babies are meant to go to sleep in association with breastfeeding. Human milk even changes over the day to have more sleep-inducing components during the evening and at night." Beth McMillan, lactation consultant (Today's Parent, June 2010).
This quote is prefaced with the response of sometimes it is okay to let your baby to fall asleep at the breast, and sometimes it isn't. My second child was one who needed to be woken up at feeding time to make sure he was getting a full feed as a newbie. He wasn't gaining weight properly and was in a vicious sleep/eat cycle. But, once a baby is established in feeding and is gaining weight properly, I believe it is perfectly natural to let a baby fall asleep at the breast at the end of a feed. They don't have to stay there. My daughter does this at night. I then transfer her to her bassinet to sleep, and she sleeps well.
It's funny, I wonder if perhaps our culture isn't so completely bent on proving that humans are so different from every other creature on earth that we forget that we are by nature mammals. Think of other mammals in the world. How do their babies interact with their mamas? Puppies, kittens, piglets, and chimps, they all snuggle with their mamas. They nurse and the fall asleep all cuddled up together. I remember meeting another mama once at a conference (we were the only 2 nursing women there and the only ones who brought a child with them). In a whispered voice she admitted to me that she nursed her son to sleep. I looked at her and said, mine does the same thing. Well, you should have seen the look on her face. The anxious guilt just melted away. Incredible.
Baby eats. Baby is full. Baby is snuggly and content. Baby is relaxed and falls asleep in mama's arms. Mama has a peaceful child. Mama is relaxed too. So why are we punishing ourselves over this again?

Am I, or do I have to be?

I'm sure many of you have heard the term, "breastfeeding Nazi" tossed around from time to time. The first time I heard it was when I was expecting my first child. I had planned on breastfeeding, knowing that it was the best nutrition possible for my child and it was free to boot. I was at a party one night talking to another woman. She was a mother and she asked if I was planning on nursing. Yes, I replied. "Well, you just watch out for those breastfeeding Nazi's out there, if you want to give him a bottle, just go ahead and do it." she told me. She was very adamant about this. I gathered that she had had some bad experiences with other mothers in the past in relation to this subject. I didn't realise how divided a camp there was.
I was still happy to go ahead and give breastfeeding a go with my child once he was born. I didn't realise then how much work it was (and it really is a lot of work in the beginning). I also didn't realise how exhausted I would be, sheerly because I was a new mom. I had my first encounter with what you may term a breastfeeding Nazi about a week after my son's birth. It was one of the lacation consultant nurses. She was calling to see how things were going. I was simply exhausted and completely greatful that my parents had taken the baby out in the stroller for a couple of hours so I could have a rest. I really shouldn't have answered the phone at all. Her advice to me, get pumping while the baby was out. I was so tired that I started to listen to her on autopilot and pump. Wait a minute! Was I crazy? This was the first opportunity I'd had for uninterrupted sleep in a week. So I slept. I started to figure out what people were talking about. Nurse at all costs. Somehow that didn't jive with my notion of why I was nursing. I was nursing to offer my baby the best I could, but I also knew I couldn't offer him my best while I was exhausted.
I did eventually find a balance. I didn't pump in the beginning, I relied solely on nursing him. It worked. Eventually I did introduce a bottle. Sometimes with pumped breast milk and sometimes with formula. I stand by the concept that 80 or 90% breastmilk and 10-20% formula is better than no breast milk at all. He remained a nursing baby for the first year of his life. His brother nursed for the first 17 months of his life.
I'm getting ready for my third baby. I know that if at all possible (and I will do my best to make it possible), this baby will be a breastfed baby too. I started to think about nusing my baby yesterday morning. I was waiting at the mall with my boys for Santa to come for pictures with Santa. I was sitting on a bench with a mother of a 3 week old little girl. When her baby was hungry, she went to nurse her, but also made sure she was completely covered with blankets. So many blankets, I wondered if her child was overheating under there. That got me thinking about all sorts of stories I've heard of what it is like to nurse in public. I've nursed in public. I've nursed in restaurants, in stores, in the library, at the mall, and at church. I'm pretty discrete, but I also make sure my baby is comfortable too. There are places around the world where nursing your baby in public is not a big deal. Your baby is hungry, you feed it, case closed. Here in North America we have a little bit of a different culture. Your baby is hungry, go ahead and feed it, just don't make me uncomfortable in the process. Personally, I prefer to find a quiet, relaxing place to nurse. I like when malls provide couches and rocking chairs for nursing moms, not to hide us away, but to encourage us to be comfortable. I love that our library was nursing friendly signs in it, particularily near the couches and cushions in the children's section, so my other kids can read and play while I feed the baby. But I also know that there isn't always a quiet place to go to. And when baby is hungry, it's time to eat, NOW! The worst I've heard (and I hear it a lot) is people encouraging nursing moms to go sit on the toilet in the store washroom to nurse. Really? Would you eat your lunch on a toilet? Why would I choose to have my infant eat there? Have you seen the state of some of the public restrooms? Why isn't it okay to sit on a bench in the store to nurse? This is the part of me that questions how much a breastfeeding Nazi I have in me. As time has gone on I've felt more pressure to explain why I choose to nurse my kids and defend my right to do it. Those who don't nurse may wonder then why I wouldn't plan my days around my child's nursing schedule. Realistically, that isn't possible. Newborns eat every 3 hours for 45 minutes to an hour, from start to start time. So there are times when you feed the baby only to have them wanting to eat an hour and half later. It does limit your schedule if you live by baby's needs alone.
It leaves me in a place of limbo. I nurse my kids because I believe it is offering them the best I can give them. I understand that in the culture we live in, public nursing can make people uncomfortable. I'm not one to be in your face about it, I just want my kids to eat. I'm also not one to berate anyone who for whatever reason chooses not to nurse their babies, that's not my call, that's theirs. I wonder if the reason breastfeeding moms have gotten a bad rap of being 'breastfeeding Nazis' because we are working against the culture we live in. We live where breasts are seen as completely sexual, so we are funny and awkward about them. Take a look at a magazine rack and tell me what you see. A lot more skin than a nursing mommy shows. Why aren't we up in arms about that? Why isn't that labelled disgusting? Why aren't those magazine covers told to go cover up and hide in the washroom?

The Baby Belly

How sacred is your baby belly? Do you allow random strangers to come up and have a feel? There is something magnetic about a baby belly isn't there? So far I've been pretty fortunate with this pregnancy, or, perhaps this being my third I give off more "don't touch me" vibes? I remember having to take a lot more steps back when I was carrying my first. It's a funny thing really. Would you allow someone to touch you when you aren't pregnant?
I don't mind friends having a touch, after all, there's a person in there and that's pretty cool. I have one work friend who has never felt a baby move in utero ever. She's also asked permission, which I really appreciate. Unfortunately, this little one has no performer tendancies whatsoever right now. Today, she missed the jumping bean by about half an hour. I guess I'll have to time my little jolt of sugar a little better for our break time next week.