1st, 2nd, 3rd

I've shared before how I am the mother of three.  My eldest is now 7, my middle child is 4 and my youngest will be 2 in the New Year.  I was thinking this week how much we have changed as parents from child 1 to child 2 to child 3.  With Child 1 everything was new and exciting and sometimes nerve racking.  All stages were fascinating and we couldn't wait to move on to the next thing and note it down in the baby book.  Moments were shared very proudly with grandparents, great-grandparents and pretty much anyone who would listen.
Now that we are on Child 3 and knowing that she is our last I am finding we are holding on to every moment.  Not wanting her to get to the next stage just yet.  For example - my oldest was in a toddler bed at about 18 months.  It was exciting and he loved it.  Our youngest is currently 22 months and still in her crib.  I'm thinking probably around Christmas we'll convert her into the toddler bed, but there's no rush really.
We weren't nearly as relaxed with our first as we are now.  With our oldest there were lots of calls and questions to other parents and my own parents and our doctor asking, "Is he okay?", "Is that normal?", "Should that be happening?".  With our second and even more so with our third we would take note of their changes in behavior and think, "Oh that, you are doing that now".  And with those more frustrating stages of parenting knowing that there was an end in sight and it would probably take X amount of time to see it through.
It's so funny when I think back to the excited, nervous new parents we were taking our first home from the hospital in disbelief that they actually let us take him home to now when we feel like we know what we are doing.  We're now the people friends call to ask advice and ideas and spill their parenting questions to.  Somewhere along the way, we found our way and have become the so-called 'experts' - funny what experience does to you :)

Siblings and new babies

I am 38 weeks today and I am scheduled to have this baby by C-section next Tuesday morning. It's a bit odd to know this time around when the baby is coming, but at the same time, sort of nice to be able to plan and not have this big unknown event hanging over me waiting to go off like a time bomb. I saw my Dr. yesterday and this baby still has not dropped, she said its likely this baby would not be born naturally either (my first labour failed to progress likely because my son's head couldn't/wouldn't drop down).
 As we live in a small town, our Hospital won't do VBAC's and if I had wanted to go that route, would have to have our baby in North Vancouver (an hour away), meaning all my prenatal appointments would have had to be there as well, meaning more time off work etc. etc. I did consider a Midwife as we have 1 in Squamish, but when I called her at 9 weeks pregnant she was already full for all of September (My due date was the 8th). She would have had to deliver the baby in North Van as well, but at least all of my appointments could have been closer to home. We are getting 2 more midwives, but they won't be practicing until October. Squamish is having a bit of a baby boom, for example my own Dr. had 10 babies due./born in August alone.

Anyways I guess I just provided all this back ground info on why I am not going for a VBAC, as people usually assume you should at least try. I am a little sad about not at least having trial labour, but based on the above I think this is the right choice for us.

Things that are occupying my thoughts this week are mostly about my first son, who is VERY excited about the baby. He now sleeps with his doll instead of his 2 puppies and wakes up every morning asking about his baby brother. We don't actually know the sex of the baby, but his friend Caleb has a baby brother so I think he just goes with that. At 2 (26 months) I am not sure he even gets the boy/girl thing (the concept in general), we remind him it may be a sister and that we have to wait and see.

Things we have done in preparing out first son for the new baby:

6 weeks ago we moved him into his room full time (he was co sleeping) into his own twin bed (I will blog about this process some other time).

Read stories about new babies. Mostly ones from the library; not just books about bringing a new baby home, but about babies in general. I did buy him the New Baby Little Critter  book, which has a little sister, I try to keep it gender neutral and just say "baby".

A doll- I bought him one at Christmas when we were first planning this baby and it is just a cabbage patch doll that actually ended up in the closet for a long time, but now we change it's diaper and swaddle it together.

Remind him about the routine for the day the baby is born: he will go to Nana's house, Mummy will go to the hospital and the Dr. will take the baby out from my tummy, and then Nana will bring him to hold the baby (he is very excited to hold the baby). Side note: We have been using this routine trick in other parts of his life as well, such as bed time or leaving somewhere, talking about 3 things that will happen so that he know what is coming. For example," we will read a story, then sing some songs, say our prayers, and then Mummy will leave the room for you to sleep",  we remind him during the routine this is what we are doing and we find that it works really well in avoiding melt downs.

I have also stocked up on little gifts for him so that when the baby gets gifts, he doesn't feel left out.

I know that Kris and Jill have blogged on this topic ages ago, but I can't find their posts (will look harder later), but I thought I would share my thoughts and see if anyone else has any tips to add.

I didn't teach her that - more gender reflections

My 17 month old daughter currently likes to wander around sporting a furry winter hat with a bow and wear 2 rings from the fisher price stacking ring set as bracelets.  When I brought home a new set of onesies this weekend she immediately took one, held it up to herself and said 'mine'.  She cuddled the rest of them to herself.  I have two other children, both boys, none of them ever played like this.  The thing is, we didn't teach her this either, she just does it.  I wear very few accessories myself.  I don't think she's ever seen me wear a bracelet, so she's not getting it from me modeling it or teaching it to her.  She just wants to be fancy on her own.  Already I can see the gifts for her under the Christmas tree this year, my little girl is becoming a girly girl.  I foresee purses, tiaras and tutus coming her way.  And I'm fine with it.  I don't parent to fight nature.  I have two boys and one girl.  My boys wrestle and think farting noises are funny.  They are also very gentle and kind to their baby sister.  My daughter likes to dress up and twirl in a skirt.  She also like to zoom cars and play in the dirt.  I think you can raise masculine boys who are gentle in the same way I think you can raise a girly girl who isn't afraid to get dirty.  

Too Old For A Pacifier?

My daughter is 17 months now and I'm starting the process of weaning her from her soother. All three of my children have used pacifiers and all of them under different circumstances.  (I've previously written about my sookie babies here) My first started using one at about 6 weeks of age. He was a constant nurser and I needed something to help him comfort suck. My second I transitioned to a soother when he was an older baby, as he started to use me as a pacifier. My third was put on a paci at the hospital as a preemie in the NICU. Preemies are often put on a pacifier to help their jaw muscle development so that they can have the strength to become good nursers.
My first was weaned from the soother at about a year and a half. He had been finished nursing at 12 months. I used a 'lovey' (stuffed toy) to as a sleep aid rather than the paci. And then when we moved we 'lost' the soothers in the move.
My second was a little bit older to stop using a pacifier. It happened around his second birthday. He nursed for longer (17 months) and never did take to a 'lovey'. Getting rid of his paci was tougher as we couldn't find a good transition sleep/comfort object for him.
My third child is still nursing and I'm hoping that she nurses until close to her second birthday. I think as long as she is nursing before her nap and bedtime I will be using the soother with her. Right now I'm working on making it available only for sleep time. So far, it's working. Out of sight, out of mind.
As I've been re-reading and re-visiting the idea of pacifier weaning, I came across some articles that for lack of a better term fall into the great pacifier debate: "How old is too old for a pacifier?" It reminded me of once seeing a child who was about 6 still using a pacifier, out with his parents for the day. The look just took me by surprise. As much as I try not to judge parents, I couldn't help the thought of, "that's just not right". I will confess that I was a long term thumb sucker as a child (till age 6). One of the reasons I like(d) having my children on a pacifier rather than a thumb is that a pacifier can be taken away, a thumb can't. My parents had the cost of orthodontic bill for me to fix my crooked teeth partly caused by thumb sucking.
Famously in the media is celeb offspring, Suri Cruise, who at age 4 still uses her paci. Toddlers and Tiaras star Mackenzie has been caught on camera more than once freaking out looking for her 'ni ni'. (As a side note, wouldn't you love to see the Supernanny take on Mackenzie and her mother?)

So what's the big deal? When is a good age to remove the paci? How old is too old for it?
A paci is designed for infant use. We all know that sucking is an important part of an infant's development. Most pediatricians recommend losing the paci by age 1, and definitely by age 2. The rationale is to allow for the child to find another way of comforting themselves and to allow the child to develop proper speech. Yes, I've seen plenty of older children trying to speak with a paci in their mouth and you can't understand what they are saying. There is also the danger of using the paci as a way of keeping your child quiet. Daycare centres who are successful in not allowing the child to use a paci all day are often frustrated that the first thing the parent does when they pick their child up is put 'the plug in the mouth'.  I think pacifiers have their values and benefits, but they are not something that should be used long term.  If you are having troubles getting rid of the soother, there may be deeper parenting issues there.  Look at the reasons why you are using it.  Is it to make your child happy at all costs?  Is it to make your life easier and quieter?  Or, maybe you just aren't bothered by it and it isn't an issue for you.  I'm interested to hear what other moms think on this topic.  It's a great debate.  There are those who wear their status of "my child never used one" with pride.  There are others like me who found them useful, but were happy to be done with them once their purpose was served.  And then there are those who have long-term paci users.  I could be opening a can of worms here, but I think that's a good thing, I love a good debate.

Heat Wave - How do you keep kids cool?

My apologies to my friends living in other parts of Canada that haven't seen sight of the sun in a couple of weeks. Toronto right now is the complete opposite. It is climbing up into the 30's (celcius) but with the humidex it feels closer to 40 degree at its peak. So how do you keeps kids happy and safe in such weather? Here are a few ideas!

1. Take advantage of the early morning sunshine. Usually we enjoy time at the park when my son gets out of school. In this weather it would just be unbearable leading to the dreaded cranky kids syndrome (you want to avoid that at all costs!) I still want my kids to get fresh air and exercise so the past few mornings we've played in the earlier morning. Yesterday we took a nice long walk before it got too hot and today we headed up to the school a bit before school started to play on the playground nice and early.

2. Water, water and more water. I cannot stress this enough. My kids have water bottles with them all the time right now. And I just keep filling them up. It's a great time to play with water, in splash pads, wading pools, sprinklers or just drag out some rubbermaid tubs and fill them up. At night I cool my kids down with a nice cool bath before they get their jammies on too.

3. Keep the house cool. We have A/C but we don't put it on in the day (trying to save energy costs). We turn it on in the evening and shut it off when we get up in the morning. The house stays cool because we keep the heat out of it. When the sun beams start to heat up a particular room, I draw the shades in, then re-open them when the sun has moved on by (I still want to see those beautiful rays, I just don't want them to heat my house right now.) When we lived in a home that didn't have A/C we strategically used a combination of fans and open window to create a nice cool breeze inside.

4. Plan your meals well. Keep that oven off! This is not the time to bake bread for goodness sake. This is the time to BBQ or dust off that crockpot. This is also a great time for what my kids call 'snacky lunches' - a combination of apple slices, red pepper, cold chicken and goldfish crackers. A healthy balance without cooking.
Freezer snacks are also great for weather like this, orange juice pops, smoothies and frozen grapes are all great treats that kids love.

5. Cool clothes - light cotton jammies and a sheet or a thin blanket ought to be enough in this weather, shorts and t-shirts in the day. Don't forget that hat and some good sunscreen!


What kinds of tricks and tips do you have to help your kids beat the heat?

Celebrating Your Child's Gender

This weekend the Toronto Star's front page story had a picture of a beautiful baby with the headline: "Is this a boy or a girl?" The article went on to detail how the parents of this child has opted not to share the child's gender with anyone but the immediate family. You can read the original article here. While that family has made a very unique, extreme choice in parenting their children, it does prompt me to question why they are so against celebrating their child's gender. I have 2 boys and a girl. For my husband and I, their genders are part of them. When it comes to gender it isn't about hair length and toys they play with. My 4 year old son just last week played dress up to be a mermaid boy, using a pillowcase. My 1 year old daughter pushes little cars and airplanes around making vroom noises. It is more about identifying themselves as being male or female. I believe this is a healthy perspective to have.
Boys are boys and girls are girls. It is what it is. It doesn't mean one is superior to another. It just means there are differences.
Case in point - the week before we were married, my husband and I each went out with our friends as a pre-wedding celebration. My girlfriends and I spent an afternoon at the spa having manicures and pedicures, followed by a nice meal at a restaurant where we traded stories of love over a glass of wine. My husband and his friends headed into the woods with and ATV and lots of meat to roast over a fire. They too shared stories of love and marriage, just in a slightly different way. We both loved these nights out we had and they are fond memories for us. I'll tell you what though, my husband would never, ever want to spend his day at the spa the way I did. Though I enjoy the outdoors, his pre-wedding celebration would not have been my cup of tea. Neither way was better than the other, in fact both celebrations were perfect, they were just different from each other.
During the 70's many parents rebelled against the idea of genderizing their children. They bought gender neutral toys and clothing in hopes erasing male and female stereotypes. To their surprise, their little boys still wanted trucks and their little girls still wanted dolls to play with.
I remember a chat I had with my oldest son's daycare teacher a few years back. She said she noticed something interesting with the dress up stacks they had. The younger kids (2-4) would dress up in anything, but somewhere around the 4-5 year old marker the boys would only choose costumes that were male oriented and the girls would only choose the female oriented costumes. Non-prompted, that's just what happened.
Reading I've done since confirms that age marker. Something happens inside children at about the age of 4-6 when they feel a need to confirm their gender. I know my boys have stated quite clearly to me that they are the same as daddy, but their sister is like me. This is an important marker in their development. I think they need that confirmation and it is part of our job as their parent to validate it.
One of the more popular books making the book club rounds in the past 10 years was The Red Tent by Anita Diamant. (Fantastic book if you haven't read it yet.) She touches on gender identification with the rites and roles associated with women in Biblical Times (She uses Dinah from the Book of Genesis as her main character). There is such a wonderful celebration of womanhood in this book. It serves to remind me that generations and cultures the world over celebrate male and female. The Jewish religion has their Bar and Bat Mitzvah's which celebrate the coming of age for young men and women. Other religions have their own coming of age ceremonies and celebrations , most of them gender specific.
I know my thoughts are flowing fast and furious here and I'm hoping to make some sense of them all. As a parent of both genders I can say that I've noticed subtle differences in them. Sure all my kids love to play in the dirt, but my daughter is the one who squealed with delight at the sight of a baby doll in the store and wouldn't put it down. My sons are the ones who think it is fun to spend the afternoon at the Harley Davidson store with their Dad checking out the motorcycles. I would rather celebrate who they are in their gender than pretending it didn't exist. Maybe that's why this article hit such a nerve for so many people. (You can read the follow-up article here).
To better understand my husband and my sons I read a fantastic book by John Eldredge called, "Wild at Heart". It is the best I've read in confirming and celebrating the masculine side of men. I've since learned that he and his wife co-wrote a follow-up book celebrating the feminine side of women called, "Captivating" and have just today put in an order for it. I look forward reading to what they have to say.

Snow Day!

I know I'm a great one for the day after you need it ideas!  But of course yesterday was a snow day around here, and most other parts of the US and Canada.  It's the first snow day school day off this year for my son this year and he was ecstatic!  I thought I would make it the best possible snow day that a kid would want to enjoy.  Here's what we did.
I let him (and his 3 year old brother) stay in their PJ's and watch the Family Channel for most of the morning.  This is a huge treat for my 6 year old.  He normally doesn't watch TV during the week and has a time limit on weekends (unless we are watching a movie).  We built a big living room fort using chairs, blankets and pillows.  They brought in a few of their favorite stuffed animals too.

Once they were dressed for the day, we got out the mini-sticks and had a bit of hallway hockey on the go.  They love this. It's one of their favorite things to do.  (the great thing with their mini-sticks is that they use foam pucks - their baby sister likes to chew on them while they play)

For lunch as a treat, I let them eat in their fort.  We're pretty strict about keeping food at the table around here, so they really enjoyed this.  They loved it even more when I made them a big bowl of popcorn to share too.  We popped popcorn and drank hot chocolate for our afternoon movie, Mary Poppins.  This was the first time I've showed this movie to my kids.  It was a bit long for my 3 year old, but they both laughed hysterically at Bert's antics and Mary Poppin's magic.  My 6 year old loved it. 

Once the movie was over, the wicked wind had stopped, so I bundled them up and sent them out to enjoy the fresh snow.  There is so much to do in a pile of fresh snow.  They started making a snow fort, but then got distracted to become archaeologists searching for long, lost treasure.  They finished it up with a small snowball fight before coming in.

Once they were in, I pulled out the fun foam masks I had left over from E's birthday last summer.  They decorated them and a few strips for wristbands and became superheroes taking over my house.
After they were superheroes, they decided to become wrestlers.  It was about this time I approached my husband and suggested that maybe since the snow had died down he could take them out for a car ride and pick up some supper. A much nicer alternative to the brother violence I could foresee happening.  So that's what they did.  They went on a burger run while I made fries at home and tidied up a bit. 

Once home, we had our burgers, got the kids into jammies and brought out their story books.  They happily settled into their beds that night, tuckered out and dreaming of another snow day.

Mean Little Girls

This morning I was chatting with a friend of mine who shared that she was concerned about some of the social stuff going on with her daughter at school.  I said, "She's in 3rd grade right?", "Yes" - "Let me guess, friendship fighting, best friends one day, worst enemies the next" , "Exactly".  Yep, that's 3rd grade girls alright.
How did I know?  I don't have a 3rd grade daughter yet (that's 8 years away), but I've been a teacher for a long time.  I've mostly taught in elementary schools and I've observed the change.  Some girls start a little bit earlier, but I find grade 3 is a real peek time for this kind of behavior.  Girls who were so sweet to each other at the end of second grade come back in 3rd with a whole new attitude.  It's like there is a whole new social awareness happening.  The way I see it, is that when kids were a little bit younger they accepted the attitude of everybody in my class is my friend.  Now that they have grown up a little bit they are experimenting socially.  They realize that there is a little more to friendship than just being in the same class, or going to the same ballet lessons.  They are becoming more self-aware.  They are trying out and finding out who they are.  They see that they have some say in who they socialize with.  It doesn't always come out in a great way.  In fact a lot of the time it's just plain mean.
This is the age where it's not uncommon for a girl to come up to me (a teacher) on the play yard at school and say, "Michaela won't play with me", or, "Ashley won't leave us alone".  Honestly, you can't make kids like each other.  You also can't make kids play together.  What you can do is teach them to be kind to each other.
These kinds of behaviors are normal, but need to be curbed as it becomes a type of bullying that is known as relational bullying.  When your daughter first experiences it (either as the aggressor, or, the receiver) it is an opportunity (and an important one) to teach her about bullying.  Yes, it really is bullying, it's just not the blatant physical bullying that we often associate with bullying.  It is just as destructive and hurtful.  And it is more common with girls than with boys.  It does carry on to their teenage years (well depicted in the 2004 movie Mean Girls).
Some girls are more compliant, people pleasers, longing to be liked, have a friend and fit in.  They will be more succeptable to being bossed around, being told by someone that they aren't friends with them anymore, or that they don't have the right kind of shirt/bracelet/fill in the blank to be part of a club.  These kids need to be taught how to look for a good friend.  A true friend is someone who you can trust (not who tells your secrets), will listen (not take over the conversation), who will respect you, who will be empathetic and loyal.
Then there are the more aggressive little girls.  These are the ones more likely to be in charge, or fight to be in charge.  They are more dominant and make more decisions about their free time/play time.  Many girls fight for this power position.  What these little girls need to be taught is how to look at life from someone else's perspective.  They need to be taught feeling words.  They need to have their energies guided towards leadership in a more positive role, perhaps on a sports team.  They need to have opportunities to lead, as well as learn to step back and be led.
It's not easy.  It's not easy to be that little girl.  It's not easy to parent that little girl.  It is an important time in your daughter's life.  This kind of relational bullying is something that will continue on for years in her life, but you can help her deal with it today and learn how to deal with it in the future.  To learn more about girls and relational bullying, I recommend the book, Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman.  It is the book that inspired the movie Mean Girls.  It is a highly recommended read for parents of girls.  It will bring you back to your own childhood when that 6th grade sleepover turned into the nightmare you've tried to forget, opening those memories and giving you a tool to help your daughter through these years.

The Best Toys are Open Ended

The other day, my boys were running around playing Star Wars. This is their latest obsession. In my older son's case he is so obsessed that he claims he can't do his school work because he keeps getting Star Wars thoughts (I find it hard to argue with this kind of logic - Star Wars is more interesting than a day filled with French phonetic work sheets, but that is a whole other post). The great thing about it, though was what they were using as props.

Jedi robes? Check. Made out of the yellow capes I made them for Christmas two years ago. These capes have been superhero and villain capes, knights, kings, Narnians, pirates and now, Jedi knight capes since I made them two years ago.

Light sabers? Check. Well, the handles were made out of column blocks from the block set I bought them for Christmas three years ago. The laser part was in their imagination, which has the added bonus of not being able to actually hurt anyone (though from the number of "cut off hands" that I saw missing, you would never know it).

Open ended toys are toys that can be used in many different ways. They are, ironically, more "interactive" than toys where you push a button and the same thing happens repeatedly. The child must use their imagination and creativity to engage with the toy. These toys are not only the longest lasting, but they are the ones that really build brains, despite what toy marketers would have you think.

Here are some ideas for open-ended toys you might want to get your kids this Christmas. I've tried to list things that are suitable for all different ages:

- blocks
- animal and dinosaur figures (not branded characters, just animals)
- softies
- dolls, plus their blankets, strollers, and clothes
- balls, beanbags, beads, stackers,
- dress up clothes and accessories (doctor kits, badges, swords, hats, etc)
- art supplies (markers, crayons, scissors, scrapbooks, paints, stamps, stickers)
- open ended building sets such as lego, construx, or mega blocks
- play kitchens, food, pots and pans, dishes, tea sets, shopping carts
- playmobil or other sets of people with accessories
- cars, trucks, and trains with or without tracks to build
- cards, marbles, dominoes, high sky balls
- hockey sticks and nets, basketballs, tennis rackets and balls, and other sports equipment
- craft supplies for sewing, knitting, beading, card making, or crochet
- not to mention boxes, pipe cleaners, bits of string, recyclables, kitchen utensils and the other open ended things your kids will find for themselves around your house.

These toys will last your kids for years, get tons of play time, and help your child really build their brains and bodies. Pick some toys that are suitable for your child's interests and age and get them playing!

Sharing a little childhood

I've been having a proud mom moment these days.  Those who know me know I'm a voracious reader.  My dream job when I was 9 was to become a children's librarian.  (I didn't, I'm a teacher).  We all have something in our childhood past that we want to share with our kids.  For me, that's Disneyland (we haven't gone yet) and certain books. I know, books.  I have such fond memories of books.  Not picture books, but kid novels.  I've been looking forward to the day when one of my kids would share a love of these books with me, and it's happening!
My oldest child is 6.  He too loves books.  This past summer we read through our first chapter book together (James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl).  He loved it.  He wanted to read Stuart Little next as he loved that movie, but we have yet to find a copy. So I put off getting another chapter book as he settled into grade one and this year's hockey season.  Then a couple of weeks ago I went looking for books for my kids at the library with my younger son and daughter while the older one was at school.  My eyes fell onto the shelf where the Beverly Cleary books are.  Beverly Cleary!  Was it possible?  Could one of my kids be ready to share in a love of Beverly Cleary?  I picked Ribsy, the tale of Henry Huggins dog who gets lost at the shopping mall and has all sorts of adventures trying to get back home.  The verdict?  He loved it.  We would read half a chapter or a chapter a night before bed.  Finally he said to me, Mom, I just want to keep reading, so we spent a good hour on the couch as I finished reading the book to him.  And he wants more.  He was so excited when I told him that there was a whole series of Henry Huggins books.  This week we brought another one home (Henry Huggins, the first in the series).  It's funny because I didn't think about Beverly Cleary to share with my sons, I had the Ramona books in mind to share with my daughter when she got big enough.  I've discovered that the Henry Huggins books were the first written by Beverly Cleary who was a librarian at the time she wrote them.  The boys at her library were looking for books about boys like them so Henry Huggins was her response.  The first one was published in 1950 and they hold up well.
So there's my mom moment of the week.  Sharing books of my childhood with my son.  What kinds of things are you looking forward to sharing with your kids?

I am a hockey mom and proud of it!

In the States there is a phenomenon known as the Soccer Mom.  Sure those exist up here in Canada, but really, there is nothing like the Hockey Mom!
The Hockey Mom doesn't mind getting up at 6am for her child to be on the ice at 7.  She clutches her cup of Tim's for warmth as she watches from the stands.  The Hockey Mom is not perfectly made up.  She does not spend practice time emailing on her iphone.  She is bundled up for warmth, and uses her iphone to take video of the practice to send off to Grampa.  The Hockey Mom may or may not drive a mini van but you can be sure any car she has has enough trunk space for the hockey bag and stick.  The Hockey Mom welled up with pride the first time her child stepped on the ice clutching their stick.  They may not have known how to skate, but this wasn't skating, this was playing hockey and the wee tot was convinced they knew how to do it.  Hockey Moms don't have fancy manicures because we tie a lot of skates, tight!  Hockey Mom's know that every piece of equipment is important and that airing it out after each practice and game is just as important.  Hockey Moms are usually not competitive.  They are their child's biggest fans, but also know that hockey is a true team sport and cheer everyone along.  Hockey Mom's know the importance of bringing an extra water bottle for the end of the game.  We totally get it when our kids play with pucks and hockey cards instead of traditional toys.  We also know why the Peter Puck DVD is one of our kids favorite videos.  We record games on TV for our kids to watch the next day because Hockey Night in Canada is just a little too late for them to watch in real time.  Hockey Mom's celebrate every pass, every goal and every save.  Hockey Mom's know that their child probably won't make it to the NHL, but that's okay because they have the love of the game.

For Better or For Worse ran some great panels on the ins and outs of hockey life that you can find here

Discipline: The Big D in Parenting

Anna, a friend and fellow clever mama in her own right requested that I post something about discipline.  "gulp" - confession time:  I have cleverly avoided writing on this topic for one reason and one reason only - the thought of someone saying, "SHE is writing about discipline, but I saw her kids (fill in the blank)".  Let me first say that I am clearly not an expert at discipline.  My children have been known to have the occassional temper tantrum in the store.  They don't always listen and do as they are told.  They will balk at cleaning up their toys.  They are kids.  Not perfect kids, just kids.
On the other hand, aren't we all just moms of kids.  Don't we all deal with these things.  Isn't one of my goals in writing on parenting to share in the challenges of it and admit that we aren't perfect, we just do the best we can?  Right.  So here it is, my thoughts on discipline.
Discipline roots itself in the word "disciple" which means to teach.  Unfortunately many get caught up in the negative aspect of discipline equaling it to punishment.   Yes, consequence (notice I said consequence and not punishment) is a big part of discipline but that is not all that it is.  I think the clearest way I can talk about behavior is to let you know what works best for us.

Consistency - be consistent with your expectations of your children.  Also be consistant with the consequences
Clarity - let your kids know your expectations of any given situation at any given time.  A visit to the grocery store works so much better if I review my expectations before we get there
Consequence - logical consequences are great.  Clearly defined 'time outs' and 'time to thinks' are wonderful too. 
Quality Time - my kids are so much better behaved when they are having real quality time with both of us
Responsibility - lay out what they are responsible for and praise them for it - give them a little responsibility too (age appropriate of course) they need it
Respect - aka the Golden Rule - Treat others as you want to be treated yourself.  Also, you don't speak to adults the same way you would another child
Accountability - say what you mean to your kids and keep your word.  It does your child no good to threaten them if they know you won't follow through - in the same way they need to be held accountable for their actions (or in-actions)

Yes, I've done that! 
I do take away toys and other privileges from my children.  If they don't clean up their stuff, mama will and it will go into the basement or into my closet until they have earned the privilege of that toy again.

No is word worth saying!
Nothing drives me crazier than people who don't believe in saying 'no' to children.  They need to know the word 'no'.  They crave boundaries. Remember, kids who have been told 'no' know what 'no' means.  This makes them more likely to use the word 'no' in the future.  (no to drugs, no to promiscuity, no to smoking...)

People whose parenting opinions I admire:

Dr. Phil - yep, I like his style.  He has some real solid, sensible advice for us parents.  He's raised 2 kids of his own.
The Supernanny - She has a wonderful, hands-on, involved approach available for parents.  I've used it, it works
Barbara Coloroso - if you haven't heard her you need to take a look into her work.  She knows kids really well.
Ron Morrish - another parenting expert with sensible advice and methods

My 2 cents on spanking
I do my best to NOT spank my kids.  Here's why.  I've found physical punishment makes them more physical themselves.  I do not want my kids to be afraid of me.  I do not want to use a consequence out of anger.  I know there are those who will argue that proper spankings are given when you have had time to cool off.  I know I can do better than that.  How can I tell them hitting isn't okay if I'm hitting them myself?

So there you have it.  When I'm doing all of these things in parenting, my kids are happier and much better behaved.  I know when their behavior is off, the first place I need to look at it myself.

Routine Matters

This past spring I woke up to the realization that my kids were acting up more and more because they were bored.  Sure they have plenty of toys to play with and DVDs to watch, but that isn't what makes them happy.  Leave them alone playing for long enough and they will start fighting (sound familiar?)  So when were my kids the happiest?  When they were doing something meaningful with one of us.   I fell into the trap that thinking by being in the same room as them we were spending time together, but that's not true.  If I'm on the computer and one of my kids is playing cars and another is drawing we are being near each other, not being with each other.
I started to think about what I knew about child development, what I knew about my own children's needs and personalities and what I had originally imagined my ideal time of what raising my kids would look like.  It didn't match what we were living.  Time to re-focus.
It sounds silly but I started to plan.  I started to make a schedule.  I knew that I couldn't just wait for things to happen, I had to make them happen.  Here's what our week structure started to look like in the afternoons:
Monday - craft
Tuesday - baking, swimming lessons
Wednesday - community play group
Thursday - craft
Friday - community play group, movie night
Saturday - family outing
Sunday - church, family lunch outing
Writing down an outline simply wasn't enough.  I brainstormed craft ideas (inspired by an old Mr. Dress-up book).  I thought about recipes the kids would enjoy.  I looked up placed that we could go.  None of it was particularly expensive.  Once you have basic craft materials (scissors, markers, paper, crayons, stickers, paint...) you can do a lot of things.  We hit up Michael's and found some deals too (a few little wood airplane sets for $1.50 each, small clay pots for painting, iron on patches and aprons to personalise...).  We bought a large paper roll at Ikea for $5.00 to make life size drawings.  I had the kids go through the Mr. Dress-up book and star what they wanted to do the most.  We dug out the collection of coloring books for the depths of the closet for afternoons to simply color.  And it worked.  They love spending time like this together.  We've baked muffins, cookies and cinnamon buns.  They look forward to what we are going to do each day.  Just this morning my oldest told me that he loved our family because we do things together.  A big change from the bored boy getting into trouble.  He really has brightened up a lot.
As the spring programs are starting to end, I'm looking towards our summer schedule.  Life will be much different.  Our oldest will be home full time.  We will be spending some time travelling.  The routine will change.  But now I really value the importance of having a routine, having a plan.  Does this mean all my weeks are the same?  Not at all.   Things come up, so we change it a little, vary it a little, but we have a plan.  We spend intentional time together, that's the important thing.  Since I now know, really know, how much my kids thrive on having a routine, I make sure to go over the week ahead with them so they know what's going on.  I'll let them know the plan for the day.  If we have places to go, errands to run, they balk less because they know the whole plan.
Does all this routine mean that there is no room for spontaneity?  Absolutely not!  Not every minute of the day is planned out.   We take impromptu detours along the way, but the schedule gives us a way to go.  And I have happier, more secure kids because of it.

My Children Each Have Different Parents

No this isn't a confession fit for the likes of Jerry Springer. Technically, biologically and completely my children have the same parents.
Experience-wise, reaction-wise and wisdom-wise their parents are completely different, particularly my oldest and my youngest.
You see when we first brought E home from the hospital almost 6 years ago it was with the thought in the back of our minds of "oh my goodness, they actually let us bring him home, what are they thinking?" And the next 6 weeks proved that we had done some terrible drastic thing that completely changed our lives. We thought we were prepared, but nothing prepares you really for the reality of parent-hood. The only way to know what it is like is to go through it. Do you all remember the first 6 weeks of parenthood? I know, you all came through it, you just didn't think you would at the time. That was us. As the years have gone by our parenting with E has been that of firsts. As a result, his parents are cautious, somewhat hovering, always learning on the job.
Our current baby (number 3) has much more laid back parents. The first 6 weeks of being home were not a big deal. Getting a schedule together, not a problem. First time parents look at this mama and say, "What? You are out at a mall with a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a newborn, and you aren't falling apart? How do you do that?" They are in awe of this mamas capabilities.
The reality is is that I am indeed both parents all at once. As my oldest gets older we continue to deal with firsts, though not quite so nervously as when he was a newborn. We have learned a lot in parenting, we have a lot more confidence in parenting, but we still move forward with caution.
My 2nd child has more knowing parents, those who think, "oh, you are doing this now? I remember this with your brother..." and subsequently reacts with a much improved parenting reaction. You've learned on the job, been able to reflect and now have a better parenting tool in your belt.
My 3rd child has the most prepared, laid back parents of all. Her parents are those who now have parented once, learned, parented twice with improvement and are now going round three knowing exactly what to do (with practice). The only curve ball here is now we are parenting with a gender difference. So far, there's not much of a difference (we're still in infancy stage), but I'm sure it will change as the years go by.
What kind of parents do your kids each have?

United

I recognised the moment so well and took a pause because of it. My 2 boys were united, holding hands and encouraging each other as they faced the wrath of mom. I don't know if it's the lack of sleep (my baby has been getting up every hour from 3:30 on this week), or just the built up frustration of watching all their upstairs toys immigrate downstairs until the living room had been taken over, or just the general frustration of hearing them balk at the idea of cleaning up (maybe all three?). Whatever the reason, my usual tactics for managing my kids went out the window and voice raised, I had had it. I tossed every toy that didn't belong downstairs into a big pile in the middle of the room and told them it all had to be moved upstairs, ASAP or Mom would clean it up - they didn't want that to happen because who knew where the toys would end up. I'm not proud of my raised voice (let's face it, I was yelling). And no that doesn't at all line up with my theories of discipline and raising my kids. I think I freaked them out because they are not at all used to this kind of mama (crazy yelling mama). As they cleaned up, I heard it, my oldest encouraging his brother along, "It's okay, just keep cleaning up brother". And I paused. I'd lived out this moment before, only it was 1983 and I was 8 and my brother was 6. We were united too. Whatever we'd done to cause Mom to go over the edge we were paying for and we knew better. We also knew we better do whatever she said because we had definately gone to far.
Well, I'm glad I overheard that because I could relate to the other side. After the mess was cleaned up and I had them in bed for the night, I sat down in their room and apologised. They apologised too. We talked about it and became 'friends again'. After story they settled into sleep. I went downstairs and thought it over. Although it isn't great that I let that happen, I had to come up with a plan to make sure it doesn't happen. What was my part in that? Sure the toys had been piling up, but wasn't I the one who let it? Why didn't I enforce clean up before it got to that point? Sure the baby has been waking up nights, but why haven't I maintained a manditory house resting time so I can catch up a bit? Hmmm? Food for thought for me.

Patches

My oldest boy is a very active little guy. He's 5. He loves to play hockey (goalie in particular) and Spiderman. As much as I try to convince him he doesn't have to slide on his knees, he does, a lot, particularily onto his right knee. As a result he has worn holes through the right knee of 5 pairs of pants in the past month. I am not, I repeat NOT, buying 5 new pairs of pants for him, but he still has some growing to do before he's into the next size. So what's a mom to do?

Then I remember a lovely invention called patches. Do they still sell these things? Sewing and ironing are not at all my domestic gifts. I managed to find a fabric store and sure enough there they were, iron on pants patches.

It's been a while since I'd ironed anything (I hate ironing).  So long that my 3 year old had no idea what the iron and ironing board were when I dug them out and dusted them off.

Attaching the patches were pretty easy actually.  Just press them on.  It would have been nice to have found some funky plaids but I would probably have to actually have a sewing machine and know how to use it to patch pants that way.

The Incredible Growing Baby and the Clothes that go with it

We recently moved from a small Canadian city to a big one, a very big one. We also just had our third baby, our first girl. Ah yes a girl. An invitation to all things cute and pink. I was out shopping the other day and I just happened to walk by the baby section of the Bay. Okay really, I'm loving being able to look at the little girl clothes, previously I could only do so when shopping for my niece. It's very rare that people do a double take in real life, but I really did have one of those double take moments. There was a plain pink outfit. Soft fleece pants and a matching shirt. The price was $70. That's right $70! Oh and yes, the shirt happened to have a little tiny logo of a polo player. Yes, I was looking at Ralph Lauren's baby layette collection. Now, if people want to spend $70 just to have that little logo on their baby I guess that's up to them. Personally, I think it's more than slightly ridiculous (no offense Ralph). As I said, this is my third baby. Babies, especially small babies, wear their clothing for no more than a few months. And let's not forget, "spit happens", so does baby poop. Diaper explosions are no secret among the mom community (the whole reason I'm a big fan of Shout). I know that I can spend a lot less money on something pretty much identical (minus the polo player logo). Maybe that's where I'm showing my colours of "hello, I am clearly not from the big city".
Big city living does have some shopping for baby advantages though. I have rediscovered the beauty that is an outlet mall. My sister in law is the expert at finding absolutely beautiful, quality clothing for her children (and mine) without spending a lot of money. She cued me back into some of this. I did a little googling and found a Children's Place outlet about half an hour from home. I took my kids in to have a look. I found a lovely long sleeved shirt for my daughter for $2.99, jeans for my 3 year old for $5.99 and pants for my 5 year old for $12.99. Both boys also got sunglasses for $4 and $5 respectively. I know it's not Ralph Lauren, but it is quality clothing for less.
I'm also a big fan of the Joe line (sold at Loblaw's/Superstores across the country). They are cute, well made clothes that don't cost a fortune.
Please Mum is also a big favorite of mine, they have the most incredible sales and when they do, look out! I love finding a good deal.
Let's face it, kids grow fast. They get clothes good and dirty as well. The average family needs to be able to find a good deal when dressing their kids. I would rather shop with the sales and get the quality that I like than cheaping out and buying clothes that aren't as great for the same price. I've made that mistake too. Bought clothes that had a great price but not a great quality, only to have them fall apart in the wash (you'll end up spending more money overall if you do that).
And yes, I do keep clothes my children have grown out of to save it for the next child growing up into that size. There's nothing wrong with hand me downs when you are budgeting (another good reason to find quality).
Where do you find your deals? How do you keep your kids well dressed while staying on budget? I'd love to know where the other deals are! Also, here's your moment to brag about a good deal...what was the best deal you remember finding?

*None of the above companies are giving me anything to endorse their clothes on my blog, but I'd love it if they would :o)

Some Days, I Just Don't Have it in Me

I have been a stay at home mom for five and a half years now, and I must tell you, it is not a natural fit for me. By nature I am extremely extroverted, approval oriented, and enjoy a high level of intellectual stimulation and novelty. Routine bores me. Doing things the same way everyone else does them bores me. Cleaning rice and yogurt and juice and jam off the floor a hundred times a day and answering the same question ten times in a row really, really bores me. Reading "What Do People Do All Day" all day can make me despair for my sanity, never mind putting someone in time out for the same thing ten times in a row.

A lot of days, I feel guilty that I don't enjoy my job. I live in a town with a lot of retirees, so you don't know how many times a week someone says to me, "These days go by so fast -- enjoy every moment of them". And some days I feel like answering back -- "Can you make them go by any faster?"

Some days, when I have dealt with a 5 yr old screaming, a 3 yr old dumping all the toys on the floor again, and a 3 month old nursing every 30 min., I don't have it in me to enjoy the day. I really want to smile and savour the one sweet moment where my 3 yr old helps me wash the dishes, and the two boys stop arguing and play together happily for 20 minutes. But I find that I am too emotionally drained and busy trying to keep our house functioning to feel anything at all.

Now don't get me wrong -- this is not my constant state. There are days when I love being a parent. When I see my boys running around in the costumes I made and collected for them and my baby wakes up happy and smiling at me, and my 3 yr old tell me I'm the most beautiful mommy in the whole world . . . I treasure those moments.

I guess I just wish people would be a little more honest about how difficult it is to raise small kids. I wish someone would say that it is hard, draining work and sometimes your only goal is to get everyone, yourself included, through the day. You know what, I really appreciate it when older women say to me, "I remember what it was like to be in your place. You are doing a great job. Make sure you take care of yourself." or "Been there, done that. You'll get through it."

I know that I spend a lot of time beating myself up for not "feeling" the way I'm supposed to feel as a parent. I feel guilty that I'm not enjoying every moment of this crazy time. I feel guilty that some days my children push all my buttons and leave me exhausted and drained by the end of the day, and I dream about going back to work, or having grandparents to send them to for the afternoon.

I recently decided that this is silly. Some days, my children are difficult to deal with, and I am not a very clever or sane mama by the end of the day. Some days, parenting is hard work. And some days, I just need to tell myself, "This is hard work. Its okay to not feel blissed out all the time. My children will get older and this or that stage will pass. I still love them, even though I don't feel it right this second. " And I need to remind myself that these feelings mean that it is time to take care of myself for a little while, even if it means the kids watch an extra video or eat pancakes for supper again. Because this will mean the next day, I will have it in me to enjoy my kids again. For a little while, anyway.

Oh, they grow!

My darling preemie daughter is now wearing her 'big girl' clothes. She has officially passed the 7 pound mark and out of preemie wear. And so begins another chapter of sorting through clothes. Our girl will most likely be our last baby, so this is the first clothes sorting that is not just putting away clothes, but giving them away. At the same time, my second child is growing out of a 3T and into a 3x/4T size. Now that we know the 3rd child is a girl, I am looking at the stacks of boy clothes waiting in the basement, knowing that most of them will be passed onto children that aren't my own. Oh, sure there are some gender neutral wear items in there, but let's be real, most of it is pretty boyish. So yes, I have a big job ahead of me. I do need to sort through what I have and start donating away (I'm up to the 18 months size currently), but I do so with a sentimental tear. This is hard evidence that my kids are getting bigger. And I'm not ready for them to be older yet. I love them the age they are at (although the same could be said at every age they have been). I want to take more videos and more photos. I want to write every moment down, but I know I can't. I know that I'll forget things (and I already have). You only have to listen to the radio to know how common a theme this is. Make the moments you have with your kids matter because soon enough they will be grown. My own mother can't believe that her babies are 34 and 32 in a blink of an eye. I do look forward to tomorrow and seeing what kind of people they grow into but I'm really enjoying the people that they are now.

Supernanny

I know, I'm really behind on the times with this post. It's very apparent that I haven't had cable for years. We have cable now simply because we moved and cable is included in our rent. So I'm making TV discoveries and my favorite is the Supernanny. I love her. And I love that she's on W every day. She has some completely practical advice and then guides you through it. I have to say that I admire these parents for opening up their homes and allowing her in. I can't imagine exposing all of my parenting mistakes that way.
Back to what I love. I love that she is kind and firm about discipline. She doesn't give in to the demands of children and teaches parents how to do that in a loving way. I love that she approaches time out as a method and teaches parents how to use it. Often we use time out and warnings but with no real idea how to make this effective. I love that she teaches parents not to put up with any guff from their kids, she demands respect from them and gets results. I also love that she loves kids. It's very apparent that this is why she does what she does. She cares about families. She views having children as a choice, a choice that you must follow through with in raising them, not just letting them go when it gets hard (because parenting does get hard). It is a difficult full time job that is with you for years and years and years. You can't just quit on your kids.
So thank you Jo Frost for doing what you do and letting me get tips from you that really work with my kids.