The Big Question

Now at 25 weeks with an obvious baby bump I regularly get the question “Do you know what it is?”. This question use to bother me as neither my husband nor I want to know the sex of our children before they are born, however it is becoming more and more unusual not to find out.

I have to say that with the second time around I feel like it would be easier to plan if I knew what it was, but at the same time it wouldn’t change much either. We live in a tiny apartment and the baby will sleep in the same space regardless of sex. I have a ton of unisex clothing from our first son, so I don’t need to buy much at first, and if it is girl, well l she will just be dressed a little more like a tom boy.

I do think that knowing what gender the baby is would probably help a mother feel more bonded with her child pre-birth. If you know what you are having you can choose a name and begin having personal conversations with your child.  I find it is a little challenging to feel a connection to a being inside me when I have no idea who it is in there.

But call me old fashioned, I never open a present early and I don’t want to know. We are having a scheduled C-section (a whole other topic), so will know when we are having our baby, but we still want a little mystery in the excitement of our new arrival.

Any other thoughts on knowing, vs. not knowing?

Pregnant and no where near a big city

No, I'm not announcing a fourth pregnancy - that isn't going to happen!  Andrea, aka Mama in the City, wrote a great guide to being pregnant in Vancouver this past summer.  (You can read about it here).  That got me thinking about the differences between being pregnant in a city like Vancouver and being pregnant almost anywhere else in Canada where finding anything maternity can be few and far between.  You see I moved to the big city of Toronto when I was 7 months pregnant.  The thing that struck me the most (besides all the traffic) was all the maternity stuff!  I mean we are talking the 'regular' maternity stores like Motherhood and Thyme being commonplace and then there are all sorts of local maternity boutiques!  There were also second hand stores that carried just maternity clothing.  I couldn't believe it.  It was a little late for me (being that pregnant, and carrying my 3rd child, I wasn't into buying maternity at the time) but I was just delighted at the thought that I could.

Why?

I have been pregnant in a semi-decent sized Canadian city 3 times.  That city is not big enough to carry any sort of maternity store, just a maternity department in Wal-Mart.  (There was a Thyme at one time, but it closed down).   A friend suggested checking out the second hand stores as she always had success there, I didn't.  So what do you do to get through your pregnancy?  Here's what I did:

1) I found the closest city that had Thyme and Motherhood in it.  The drive there took over an hour so I took the time to shop.  I tried on a lot, thought through what I would need (especially for work to look neat and professional) and bought most in one shot. 

2) I was fortunate to have people that loved me that lived in a larger city send me things.  I gave birth to my second about 6 months after my sister-in-law did.  Once she delivered she sent me all her nice maternity stuff.  My mom also went shopping and mailed me some things - a great treat!

3) I discovered that while our local Old Navy did not carry the maternity line, they did have a box behind the counter of maternity things.  When people bought Old Navy Maternity from another store or online and wanted to return it, they could return it to any Old Navy Store.  That store keeps it behind the counter.  Go and ask, see if your store has a box.  I found a great sweater that way.

4) Speaking of online...the internet is full of maternity wear.  Most maternity stores have an online store.  Motherhood has the best selection I've seen.  You can also find cute maternity selections on Etsy. Make sure to check out their sizing guide to make your best guess at a good fit.  Most sizes correspond to your pre-pregnancy size.  Be prepared to buy a few things a little bit larger than that too, just in case.

5) Check out your own closet to see what may 'stretch' to help you through.  My yoga pants that I use for working out I wore all the way through my pregnancies. 

6) Some of you are fantastically talented with a needle and thread.  Have a look through some maternity wear patterns and find some great fabric to make some things that you need.  (I wish I was that talented!)

Being pregnant was one of my favorite times in my life (even though I was so sick for each and every one of my children).  It doesn't have to mean hiding away, or wearing a big canopy like our mothers and grandmothers did.  We can still be fashionable and feel great about ourselves, even when maternity clothes can be hard to find.  I'm curious to hear how other women living away from a big city got through.

The Baby Belly

How sacred is your baby belly? Do you allow random strangers to come up and have a feel? There is something magnetic about a baby belly isn't there? So far I've been pretty fortunate with this pregnancy, or, perhaps this being my third I give off more "don't touch me" vibes? I remember having to take a lot more steps back when I was carrying my first. It's a funny thing really. Would you allow someone to touch you when you aren't pregnant?
I don't mind friends having a touch, after all, there's a person in there and that's pretty cool. I have one work friend who has never felt a baby move in utero ever. She's also asked permission, which I really appreciate. Unfortunately, this little one has no performer tendancies whatsoever right now. Today, she missed the jumping bean by about half an hour. I guess I'll have to time my little jolt of sugar a little better for our break time next week.

Sick and Pregnant

As opposed to being sick because I'm pregnant, or sick of being pregnant.
I have what is known as seasonal flu. No, it's not H1N1, the symptoms are different. I woke up yesterday feeling slightly achy, but decided to brave it out and go to work. I knew by lunchtime I'd be staying home today. Last night I faced the chills and fatigue. Today, the chills and fever are gone, but the fatigue and a cough remain (a productive cough though, which is good).
My husband very generously offered to make me up a Neo Citran, which I couldn't accept because of the baby. I don't like to take anything when I'm pregnant, I even kicked my 1 a day Diet Coke habit for this little one. And then I tried to remember how did I handle being sick when I was pregnant the last 2 go rounds. Here's some home remedy tips that should help you out if you are ever in this same situation.
1. A nice warm bubble bath should take some of the edge off the chills
2. Likewise a hot shower will create the steam to help clear out any congestion you may have.
3. Take the time to rest - that's why we have sick days! Yes, I took my 2 year old to daycare today, I wouldn't have gotten a nap in otherwise. And yes, I relaxed my TV time allotment rule yesterday afternoon so I could sit up on the couch curled up in a quilt. It's just a day, it's not going to ruin them for life. Use your sick day to really rest, not catch up on stuff. The dishes, laundry and other household things can wait, they wouldn't have gotten done if you'd been at work anyways! If you are a stay at home mom, this is the time to cash in favors from friends and family, ship your kids out for a little while.
4. Make your own hot honey & lemon drink. No, it doesn't have the medicine of a Neo Citran, but it does help soothe a sore throat and cough. I have big Starbucks mugs, so I use 2 TBSP of honey and one TBSP of lemon juice to the boiling water. Smaller mugs can use less.
5. Prop yourself up a bit for sleep time - it won't irritate your cough and you'll get some much needed rest.
6. Boost up on Vitamin C. I don't like oranges (most people find this strange) - but I do like other things that contain Vitamin C, such as red peppers and strawberries. Today I munched on fresh pineapple.
7. Drink plenty of liquids - keep yourself hydrated
8. Dig out the humidifier and get it going for yourself
9. Change your bedding and your PJ's - you'll feel fresher and know you aren't sleeping in your old germs
10. Clean your toothbrush - same reason as above
11. Make yourself a warm moist cloth compress to put on your forehead, cheeks and/or eyes to relieve pressure from sinus pain
12. Ginger has long been used as a home remedy - try some ginger tea or some soup with ginger in it.
13. Cash in a backrub from your significant other - it sounds silly but it really does help fight flu and cold (I don't know why, you'll have to ask someone else about that part)
14. A warm foot soak can help relieve pain and pressure
15. Use a heating pad on your back or wherever you are finding an ache.

These are just some of my tips. You probably have some of your own to add to my list. Let me know in the comments section. Feel well and take care of yourself!

What's in a name?

I've been spending a lot of time on the message boards at Babyfit.com lately. One of my groups is all women who are due in the same month as me. One of the hot topics seems to be "what do you think of this name?", or, "is this name getting too popular?", or, "Name poll please". And really why not? Picking a name for your baby is a completely personal, permanent decision that will affect your child for the rest of their life.
Of course I have an opinion on the whole naming your kid thing. I find picking a name extremely difficult. Not just to pick one I like, but one my husband likes and one that doesn't have a negative effect on either of us from past associations (ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex-friends, ex-students). Yes, ex-students is the one that affects me most. I've been teaching for 11+ years. In that time I've worked with a lot of kids and have a lot of name associations. It's because of this that I have some advice for parents to be when it comes to naming your child.
First and foremost, pick a name that you absolutely love. You will be hearing it a lot.
Then try it out. Call it out loud a bunch of times. Say it fast, say it slow. Does it say anything to you that's different than you originally intended? Here's an example. I taught a girl named Sonata once. Pretty name, pretty song. Now try saying it fast. Do you hear what I hear? "Snot-a". What about the name Tierney? Looks pretty, sounds pretty. Do you hear anything else with it? What about 'tyranny'? Maybe not what you had in mind at first?
What about middle names and initials? Sometimes they spell words. Be careful what you are unintentionally spelling. Did you know that Michael J. Fox's middle name is really Andrew? He used a "J" instead of an "A" because he didn't want to be called Michael, a fox.
Think about nick-names too. Is the name you love going to get shortened into something you or your child may grow to hate?
What does the name mean? Is that important to you? I love the name Mary, but Mary means bitter. It makes be think twice about using it. Does your name have a meaning at all? Think of Suri Cruise. That is an example of a made up name. There is no meaning (unless you want to attach one to it). Or does your name mean something or associate with something that your child may not enjoy? I've taught a Pagan. Maybe her parents are pagans, but will she be? Delilah is a very pretty name gaining in popularity these days but I think Rachel on FRIENDS said it best, "my daughter's a biblical whore". (or something to that affect - before settling on Emma).
Speaking of which, how much does media and celebrity come into play when naming your child? I've taught Mariahs, Shanias, Kobes and Kieras. Emma was extremely rare before Emma was born on Friends. We're starting to see Maddox and Shiloh thanks to the Pitt-Jolie family.
How about popularity? Does that matter to you? I grew up as one of a few Kris's. Mine's Kristen. I've been Kris, Krissy, Kristi and Kristen over the course of my life so far. I was known as Krissy D. in school to differentiate me from Chrissy N. Had my brother been a girl he would have been one of many Jennifers that came out of the '70's. Jennifer is the most popular name among my friends. They survived it.
In my teaching career I've seen the wave of Ashleys and Jessicas. The Nathans and Ethans. I've had classes with 4 Brandons and variations similar (Brendan, Brayden, Brennan). Right now we're seeing the effects of girl M names - Makayla, Madison, Mackenzie, and Megan. Most classes I teach have at least one Aidan version (Jayden, Cayden, Brayden, Bayden, Kaydan, and Zayden - both male and female). And J's are usually Josh or Jacob. Many girls right now are Kira, Kiera, Kayla, Kara, and Kayla. Not sure where the name you love fits? Ask a teacher friend. Check popular names list (and check multiple spellings - Makayla doesn't usually make the list but when you look at all the spelling possibilities, it's one of the top ones (McKayla, Michaela, Mackayla etc).
And about spelling. Does spelling count? Well, do you want your child going through life spelling their name? Or, having someone not knowing what they said? I've had one Micheal in my career. I can imagine how often he says not Michael (traditional) but Micheal (made up spelling). Maybe he just goes by Mike by now?
And think about things like pre-made items with your child's name on it (mugs, piggy banks and bike license plates). Can you find your child's name in there? Does that matter to you? Do you think it might to your child?
How much does family influence matter to you? Are you prepared to defend your choice should your parents (or his) hate it? Or, do their objections make sense. Are they thinking about your child and how they will live with the name you want to give them? Maybe their objections are genuinely valid? Are you able to stand up to your own when they think they have found the perfect name for your child? My Nana was so sure and so insistant that we call our second child David. Nothing wrong with the name David, in fact we know lots of them, just not the name we wanted for our son. One thing to remember when it comes to family and baby naming, they've already had a shot at naming their kids, this one's yours.
And do you love the name you love so much that you are okay with keeping it no matter what? One my husband's good friends and his wife have a little boy 2 months older than our oldest son. Both boys have the same name. We had picked it and fell in love with it when I was 4 months pregnant. I couldn't believe that they had the same name all picked out. Oh well, 2 little boys who are extremely loved are growing up with the same name and sometimes they play together.
I'm just waiting now to see what happens with these next round of babies. You see my counterpart on this site, Jill and I are both pregnant (again at the same time - round 3). Our oldest kids are 7 weeks apart, our seconds are 7 weeks the other way around and now her next one is coming in Nov. and mine in Feb. We both have 2 boys and I'm just wondering if these babies are girls. I have a girl name all picked out and have for a few months now. Wouldn't it just be funny if she beat me to the punch? (although if she sticks with the "A" theme it won't happen). For the record I currently have no boy name picked out, but my husband has one he loves.
When it comes to naming your kids, it is up to you. You love what you love for a reason. So let it be. And let it be what it is. These are just tips and things to think about that I've learned and thought about along the way.
To find out more about naming your baby check these sites out:

-Find name meanings and store your favorites in a name basket - http://www.babyzone.com/babynames/

-Name generator with suggestions for first and middle names that go with your last name - http://babynamegenie.com/

-List of most popular names by countries around the world - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_most_popular_given_names

-List of the most popular baby names in Canada, 2007 - http://www.todaysparent.com/pregnancybirth/becomingparent/article.jsp?content=20050617_144619_5504

-Tracking the most popular baby names since 1879 in the USA - http://www.ssa.gov/OACT/babynames/

Oh the wonders of pregnancy

I'm pregnant. 21 weeks currently. My husband is continually amazed at the way my body reacts to pregnancy. For example, I've had a stuffy nose on and off. My husband asks, "Are you okay honey? Not feeling too good?"
"I'm fine, just stuffy - pregnancy you know".
"Really?, because that makes sense?!".
Oh yeah. Pregnancy affects your whole body. Some are fabulous side effects. Beautiful skin, nails and hair. I'm warm in the winter for the first time in my life (I'm usually always cold). Some are not so wonderful. I currently cannot brush my teeth without my gums bleeding (and no, I haven't suddenly become a sporadic teeth brusher, still twice a day, just like always). I'm also having a cramp in my bottom from sitting for a while (I haven't figured out why exactly, but I'm pretty sure it's a pregnancy thing).
From the top of your head to the tips of your toes pregnancy takes over the whole of you. And I haven't even begun to mention things like mood swings, bizarre dreams and lapses of memory (my poor husband had to apologize on my behalf to his sister because all of their September birthday gifts (3 in her family have September birthdays) came in October - my fault completely).
Your body is a pretty amazing thing. I know there are probably scientific reasons for all of this. I just find it funny (and my husband finds it just bizarre) the way it takes over all of you.

Empty Arms

The first time I found out I was pregnant my husband and I had just returned from a wonderful vacation in Newfoundland. We had been married just over a year. It was August 2003 and I was ecstatic. This was exactly what we had wanted. We told our families right away and they were so happy too. This baby would be the first grandchild on my side of the family and the second on my husband's. Our nephew was older so it would be the first baby in the family in quite a few years. Everyone was happy for us. As I approached the end of the first trimester we started to tell our friends. Congratulations emails started heading our way.
A couple of days later I went to the washroom at the end of my workday and I saw blood. Shock and alarm went racing through my body. I called my husband to come and get me and told the secretary that I had to go. The doctors and nurses at the hospital were very kind. There was really nothing they could do except order an ultrasound for the morning, tell me to rest and see what happened. I went home, and laid down on my left side and prayed. But I knew. I knew later that night that was it. The baby was gone. I canceled the ultrasound for the morning. I had passed too much tissue for it not to have been a miscarriage. I took the next week off work and cried. When I stopped crying, I just sat there numb.
That was the first of 3 (and probably 4) miscarriages I've experienced. I say probably 4 because the last one was not a confirmed pregnancy. The 3 definite ones all happened at 11 and half weeks. The second was the only where I had a D & C.
Every single one of these pregnancies was a real loss for me and my husband. These were all wanted babies. We've loved each one of them. We've run through the gamut of emotions that come with grief: sadness, anger, questioning, disbelief, discouragement...you name it, we've felt it. A very good friend of ours that sat with me during part of the first miscarriage told me a wonderful truth. Take the time to grieve this, it is a real loss. People usually don't know what to say in a situation like this. Some will say that it just wasn't meant to be or that there will be other babies. Some will brush it off as just something that happened. Many will tell you that it wasn't your fault. Some people will be extremely insensitive. But I also found that some people were really and truly empathetic. We have many older ladies at our church and I couldn't get over how many of them came to tell me about their miscarriage that happened 40 - 50 years ago. Some of these women were still very devastated by it. They really weren't allowed to talk about it and certainly never encouraged to grieve it, it just wasn't done.
I find it amazing that as common as miscarriage is, it is still a taboo topic. We don't talk about it. We don't know how common it is, until it happens to us.
People who haven't been there really don't understand it either. I remember a few weeks after my first miscarriage I had a friend over for lunch. She told me that she was expecting. And I'll tell you I just couldn't be happy for her at that time. I really just wanted her to leave. (I pushed through it of course and waited until she left to get visibly upset) When I tried to explain my reaction to another close friend of mine later, she said, well, you'll just have to get over it. That was not what I wanted to hear. I really felt anger and I needed to get it out of me. All very normal.
There were other times, later that unexpected grief resurfaced. The due date of these babies all got to me. As did the anniversary of the loss.
There are things that can be done to help anyone through grieve like this. What I found helpful was to write. I wrote letters to my babies. I wrote poetry. I journaled. But I write, that works for me. Some people paint. Some people work out. Everyone has an outlet, you just have to find out what yours is. I also had a wonderful friend who gave me a place of refuge while my husband was at work. She took me in her home and gave me a comfy spot on her couch. She pampered me with a bubble bath and cooked me lunch. She was a listening ear and a voice of wisdom. Her husband is an artist and he loaned me a recent painting of his to be my 'window' so I'd have something to gaze at.
Now I have been blessed with 2 beautiful boys so I can't begin to imagine what life would be like to continue to be pregnant and not have children. The pattern for me has been: miscarriage, baby, miscarriage, baby, miscarriage, (miscarriage). The irony I've thought about is that if either of my first 2 miscarriages had not occurred I would not have my boys and I could not imagine life without them. I also know how extremely fortunate I am. I do have friends who had desperately wanted babies and couldn't have them.
I believe very strongly that I will meet these other children of mine one day in heaven. I've found great comfort and excitement in that.