Night Weaning

One of our faithful readers has asked a question about weaning, and I thought I would respond with a little bit of my experience. Usually, around 15 months, I get tired. Not just sleepy a bit during the day, but more of a bone deep, mind numbing, I haven't-had-a-long-stretch-of-sleep-in-18-months exhausted. All higher brain functions has ceased. All emotional control starts to fall away, leaving me a grumpy mommy just on the verge of breaking into a seething rage at any moment. Its not a happy sight, ladies.

This is the time that I usually consider the first stage of weaning for me -- night weaning. I know that a toddler at this age does not need to nurse for nutritional reasons. They are eating enough during the day to sustain themselves. They are simply used to the comfort of sucking back to sleep. Since they are sleeping right next to me, it takes more energy to settle them back to sleep in any other way. But when I start to deeply and seriously wear out, it is time for a change.

I would not suggest night weaning before your baby is eating a lot of solids during the day, or before they are able to make it through the night without being hungry. If you notice that baby is busy during the day and consuming most of their calories in the night, start to slow them down and encourage them to eat and nurse more during the day before you attempt to night wean. It will probably take a week or two to get them into better day time eating habits. Once they are eating better during the day, you can start night weaning.

First, let me say that there is a great section on this in Dr. Sears' The Baby Book. He mentions that since the baby is used to being comforted back to sleep, you need to give them a transitional comfort to help them back to sleep. The first stage should be to try to just pat or snuggle baby back to sleep. If baby starts to cry, Dad should get up with baby and walk / sing / snuggle him back to sleep. In this way, the baby is not deprived of comfort, he is just comforted by a different care giver.

This never worked for us, because my husband needs more sleep than I do, and he was working full time while I was staying at home when our babies were this age. This is just a fact about our physical make-ups that we both know. I can get by with less sleep than he can, so I do.

Kris suggested introducing a pacifier. This worked with her middle son and helped him to soothe to sleep and transition from the breast to nothing. This is another great option if you baby is comfort sucking and will take it. For some kids a teddy bear or other softie or blanket might be helpful in comforting babies back to sleep.

Usually, after a week or so, kids get used to their transitional sleep object, and realize they are not going to nurse back to sleep. They start to move from sleep cycle to sleep cycle a bit more smoothly and no longer wake you up as much at night.

For my kids, transitional objects didn't work, so I got up and walked them in the sling or rocked them. Yes, this did mean that my sleep was interrupted more for a few weeks. But I kept the long term goal in mind and kept with it. They would cry for a little bit, and then gradually fall back to sleep for two or three wakings. With both boys, I found that it was the 2 or 3 am waking that was the most difficult. I don't know if they were actually hungry, or just less tired and more willing to fight, but this waking was the most persistent and was the one where they would put up the most fight.

For this waking I followed one of Dr Sears' suggestions, and told them "The nums come back when the sun comes up". This gave them a tangible signal for when they would get to nurse again, and it gave me some way to reassure them that this was not forever. With my oldest son I realized that this was not the best thing to say in a northern climate in June, since the sun comes up at about 3am, but none the less, it was helpful.

For this waking, we had a few days of crying and screaming with my oldest son. I rocked and snuggled him and eventually he fell back to sleep. He learned in about a week that he was not going to get nursed. This was still the waking stage where he had the most trouble falling back to sleep, but after about 2 weeks of nightly sling walks, he did start to fall back to sleep just by snuggling next to me in bed. By the end of the second week, I only had to walk him in the sling a couple of times a week, and by the end of the month we didn't have to used the sling at all.

My second son was more persistent (we have found that this is simply his personality in all things). He fought for about two weeks, and would be awake for up to two hours during this time. I would rock him and read him books with the lights dimmed until he was ready to fall asleep, so that he wouldn't wake up his brother and cause complete chaos. I have a vivid memory of the night he finally realized that mama was not going to give in. We had been reading books, and then he started throwing the books away. I tried rocking him in the chair, and he climbed out. I tried walking him in the sling, and he climbed out. I sat him on the floor. He sat and started at me and screamed for a while. I persisted with telling him "No nums until the sun comes up." He quieted, looked at me for a minute, then collapsed sideways, asleep, on the floor. I left him there, grabbed a blanket and collapsed next to him.

I know, this sounds terrible. But sometimes, my children's wants -- not their actual needs, but their preferred way of operating -- has to come second to my real, actual needs. In this case, my need for real sleep so I could function properly during the day, took preference.

For us, this was the first step to weaning. I waited a few months for this to settle in before I proceeded to daytime weaning.

Food for Thought - Why does our culture fight our nature?

I got my new issue of Today's Parent in the mail this week and I read the most interesting article in it. Well, I found it interesting because it confirms something I believed in quite naturally that our culture would have wanted to correct me on. Let me explain: I'm a breastfeeding mama. I've nursed all three of my children. What's one thing that you always hear about nursing your babies and sleep? "Don't let your baby get in the habit of falling asleep while nursing!" It's one of the supposed sins of parenting. Apparently that's just a terribly bad habit. Well, I am one parent who admits to nursing her babies to sleep. I rocked them to sleep. I cuddled them to sleep. All things that we are not supposed to do because we are supposed to teach baby how to go to sleep on their own. That is one of the goals in our culture.
Here's a quote I read this week: "Babies are biologically designed to sleep at the breast. It's clear from the composition of the milk and the baby's hormonal response to nursing that babies are meant to go to sleep in association with breastfeeding. Human milk even changes over the day to have more sleep-inducing components during the evening and at night." Beth McMillan, lactation consultant (Today's Parent, June 2010).
This quote is prefaced with the response of sometimes it is okay to let your baby to fall asleep at the breast, and sometimes it isn't. My second child was one who needed to be woken up at feeding time to make sure he was getting a full feed as a newbie. He wasn't gaining weight properly and was in a vicious sleep/eat cycle. But, once a baby is established in feeding and is gaining weight properly, I believe it is perfectly natural to let a baby fall asleep at the breast at the end of a feed. They don't have to stay there. My daughter does this at night. I then transfer her to her bassinet to sleep, and she sleeps well.
It's funny, I wonder if perhaps our culture isn't so completely bent on proving that humans are so different from every other creature on earth that we forget that we are by nature mammals. Think of other mammals in the world. How do their babies interact with their mamas? Puppies, kittens, piglets, and chimps, they all snuggle with their mamas. They nurse and the fall asleep all cuddled up together. I remember meeting another mama once at a conference (we were the only 2 nursing women there and the only ones who brought a child with them). In a whispered voice she admitted to me that she nursed her son to sleep. I looked at her and said, mine does the same thing. Well, you should have seen the look on her face. The anxious guilt just melted away. Incredible.
Baby eats. Baby is full. Baby is snuggly and content. Baby is relaxed and falls asleep in mama's arms. Mama has a peaceful child. Mama is relaxed too. So why are we punishing ourselves over this again?

A Glass of Wine

My husband and I went out on a date tonight. We rarely eat out, never mind in a restaurant void of a playplace, so this was very exciting for us. Uninterrupted adult conversation and good Italian food on the table. What more could I ask for. A glass of wine to go with it? Perhaps, but I really wasn't sure. I knew a glass of wine would be enjoyable, but I'm a breastfeeding mama. My 4 month old daughter relies on me for her dinner. Yes, I could (and did) give her a bottle, but how long until I could breastfeed her again? Do I pump and dump? Or can I just wait it out?
I found the answers at Motherisk's website. Motherisk is a program out of Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto. For 25 years it has been dedicated to research and education for women concerning the health of their unborn and breastfeeding children. It is a clinical, research and teaching program dedicated to antenatal drug, chemical, and disease risk counselling. I knew if anyone would have my answer it would be them.
They have developed a chart based on the mother's weight and number of drinks consumed as to how long they would have to wait before being cleared to breastfeed again. The chart is an estimate and the Motherisk article preceding it fully explains the thoughts behind alcohol consumption and breastfeeding. I strongly suggest you take a look through it. Personally, I do not want to expose my baby to alcohol which is why I found their chart helpful.
To find the article and the chart click here
To find out more about Motherisk and their programs click here

But you turned out okay!

I am a child of the 70's. My mom loved me lots and did everything in her power to take the absolute best care of me (and my brother). She was educated on infant and child development and followed the advice given to her by professionals. I'm now a 21st Century parent. I too love my children and am doing everything in my power to take the absolute best care of them. I too educate myself on infant and child development and follow the advice given to my by professionals. So what's the difference? The difference is that we have been given different advice.
My mom raised us in a time when long term breastfeeding was not an encouraged practice. Bottles and formula were the thing. Parents were told to give their babies cereal at a few weeks old as it would help fill them up and they would sleep longer.
I'm raising my kids at a time where long term breastfeeding is recommended and encouraged. The formulas that we give our babies are more scientifically designed and much healthier for our babies. We are told to hold off on all solids for the first 6 months (even that advice changed since my oldest was an infant, 6 years ago the recommendation was 4-6 months). So what's the difference? About 30 years of research. So what's the problem? Many grandmothers, Aunties and well intentioned older ladies love these babies too and want to help you out. They do what women do best, give advice (notice I didn't say meddle or interfere?). The problem is the advice they have is 30 years out of date and like most women, many will get incensed at the idea that they could be wrong about something, often responding, "well I did that with you and you turned out okay!" (or your husband, or whoever). There is a very kind way to deal with this. My favorite comes from a letter I found from Dr. Sears:

Attention all Grandmothers:

Much has been learned over the past thirty years about infant nutrition and development. Many practices that were common three decades ago are now known to be unhealthy, maybe even dangerous to a young infant.

I know that the experts told you to start feeding your babies cereal after a few weeks of life; and you followed their advice because you loved your children. Now we know that an infant's gut is not ready for solid foods until around six months of age. If you start a food too early, he is much more likely to become allergic to it. This can result in damage to the intestines, weight loss, blood in the stool, and malnutrition. You might argue, "Well, my kids started solid foods at three weeks, and they turned out just fine." The truth is, very few adults have perfectly working digestive tracts. Just look at all the commercials for heartburn remedies and stool softeners... "ever feel gassy and bloated after a meal?"

Here is what the experts are saying now:

* Breastfeed for at least one year.
* Start cereal and other solids after six months of age.

Grammy, please let your daughters follow this advice, because they love your grandchildren as much as you do.
Dr. Jim

I love it. Perfectly worded, and by an expert in infant and child development. Remember these lovely ladies are not trying to frustrate you, they are trying to love your kids. You are the mom now. Make your wishes known (politely, we're not trying to start WW3 in the family) about feeding your baby, especially if they are going to be the baby's caretakers once in a while, and be ready to back yourself up with facts. It's quite possible that the reason we are seeing more people our age with bowel issues like Crohn's disease relates back to incorrect infant feeding when we were infants. Just be ready for both responses. Hopefully all will be well and you'll be greeted with understanding. But you also need to be ready for the opposite. It's okay to disagree here, but you are the parent, you are the one who is the key decision maker here. Be polite but firm. Look at all the other advice parents were given 30 years ago that doesn't hold true today:
-babies were put on their tummies to sleep (My sister in law was putting her baby on her tummy to sleep, because that's what she knew to do...until her pediatrician told her that 2 babies in the area had died recently from SIDS who were sleeping on their tummies.)
-car seats and seat belts were optional (I actually remember when wearing a seat belt became law in my province. I can't even imagine not wearing a seat belt today, have you ever walked into a room dealing with automobile trauma? My mom has, she was an OR RN for over 30 years, it ain't pretty.)
-women were allowed to smoke and drink during pregnancy (Have you ever met a child with FAS or FAE? I have. I've taught a few in my career, a very preventable diagnosis that these children will have to live with for the rest of their lives.)
Really, we all have the same interest in mind. We love these children passionately and want the best for them, sometimes we just need to keep ourselves and the other around us educated about what the best is.

Are Babies Really Confused?

There's been a lot of talk on the idea of nipple confusion. I don't think babies are confused as much as have a developed preference. Bottle feeding is a lot less work for them, so really it just makes sense if you are breastfeeding to wait to introduce a bottle. Make sure your supply is up and breastfeeding is well established before offering a bottle. By the same token if you do want your baby to bottle feed once in a while, don't wait as long as I did with my second child. He was 5 months old and wouldn't take it. He only wanted the goods from the source. A panic for me who was getting ready to go back to work. Generally speaking, wait a good month or so, then give it a try. You certainly can pump and freeze your milk in the meantime to have some ready for when you are ready for an evening out sans baby.
One nurse that I met with with my first child had me so worked up over this idea of nipple confusion that I was panicked to offer him a pacifier. So you can imagine my surprise when my newest addition was offered a pacifier in the hospital by the nurses. What was this? What about the nipple confusion? She hasn't figured out breastfeeding yet! The answer? Non-nutritive sucking. Babies have a strong desire to suck. It is an important part of their development. Sucking on a pacifier helps build their jaw and muscle strength (making for better breastfeeding). And let's face it, they are going to figure out pretty fast that the pacifier does not supply them with food. They will spit it out and demand the real thing. And it may just do what it should, soothe them. (makes me wish I'd listened to my instincts with my first and just given him the soother when I knew he wasn't hungry, he just wanted to suck). I think that's the mistake that pacifier opponents are worried about, parents over using the soother. Giving it instead of the breast. Or, too early from feeding so that the baby doesn't really get a good feed with the hindmilk causing the baby not to gain weight. Like anything with parenting decisions, use common sense when it comes to pacifier use. The'll take it if they want it.

Life in the NICU - It's only eating????

The majority of my daughter's stay in the NICU has been concerned with feeding. Can she feed orally? Does she need a feeding tube? Premature babies do not yet have the jaw and muscle development to handle the suck/swallow combination. They also have probably had difficulty breathing. So combine breathe, suck, swallow and get enough food and by the way we're really little and tire easily...and you get a difficult time eating (breast or bottle fed alike).
So we started out pumping, a lot of pumping. Because she wasn't breastfeeding yet, I had to let my body know that yes, indeed I wanted this milk and I had to build up a supply for her needs. When she was ready to be tube fed, she tube fed my breastmilk. So I pumped, and I pumped, and I pumped. My milk came in. I stored it, she 'ate' it. And we started to breastfeed.
She needed help here. We used a lactation tool called a nursing shield that helped her nurse. Preemies often can't quite latch onto the breast without slipping off. A nipple shield is make of sillicone and fits right over your own nipple, allowing the baby to have an easier time of it. We also used a lot of breast compressions, helping her get to the milk that she needed.
We started off slowly. 2 ccs, 4 ccs, and then the jump to 10ccs, 14ccs. We enlisted the help of a lactation consultant - an absolute fountain of breastfeeding knowledge. She reminded me that 40-42 weeks gestation babies can have difficulty with breastfeeding initially, never mind these 35 week gestation babies, they shouldn't even be born yet, never mind learning all of this. She helped me get a better position for the latch and how to do a better breast compression. And just encouraged me. She'll get it, it just takes time. You can't rush development. Did she get it? All of a sudden she started to take 16-24 ccs per feed (she needed over 50 at this point - over 60 by the end) and then one day she took 51. 51! I was so excited. It was the first time I didn't have to end a feed by gavoging her (tube feeding). Then the full feeds started to take over until finally she went from being 7% oral to 65% and finally 100%. She needed to be 100% for over 48 hours to come home. Because I couldn't be there for every feed, I okayed the nurses to bottle feed her breastmilk on the feeds I was at home (you have to balance, and I have 3 children to care for). I stayed over nights in the parent courtesy room, sneaking off in the wee hours of the morning to get my kindergartener off to school.
Getting a preemie to eat orally is a lot of work, but neccessary work. You wonder if they will ever get it, but they do, all in their own time.

Am I, or do I have to be?

I'm sure many of you have heard the term, "breastfeeding Nazi" tossed around from time to time. The first time I heard it was when I was expecting my first child. I had planned on breastfeeding, knowing that it was the best nutrition possible for my child and it was free to boot. I was at a party one night talking to another woman. She was a mother and she asked if I was planning on nursing. Yes, I replied. "Well, you just watch out for those breastfeeding Nazi's out there, if you want to give him a bottle, just go ahead and do it." she told me. She was very adamant about this. I gathered that she had had some bad experiences with other mothers in the past in relation to this subject. I didn't realise how divided a camp there was.
I was still happy to go ahead and give breastfeeding a go with my child once he was born. I didn't realise then how much work it was (and it really is a lot of work in the beginning). I also didn't realise how exhausted I would be, sheerly because I was a new mom. I had my first encounter with what you may term a breastfeeding Nazi about a week after my son's birth. It was one of the lacation consultant nurses. She was calling to see how things were going. I was simply exhausted and completely greatful that my parents had taken the baby out in the stroller for a couple of hours so I could have a rest. I really shouldn't have answered the phone at all. Her advice to me, get pumping while the baby was out. I was so tired that I started to listen to her on autopilot and pump. Wait a minute! Was I crazy? This was the first opportunity I'd had for uninterrupted sleep in a week. So I slept. I started to figure out what people were talking about. Nurse at all costs. Somehow that didn't jive with my notion of why I was nursing. I was nursing to offer my baby the best I could, but I also knew I couldn't offer him my best while I was exhausted.
I did eventually find a balance. I didn't pump in the beginning, I relied solely on nursing him. It worked. Eventually I did introduce a bottle. Sometimes with pumped breast milk and sometimes with formula. I stand by the concept that 80 or 90% breastmilk and 10-20% formula is better than no breast milk at all. He remained a nursing baby for the first year of his life. His brother nursed for the first 17 months of his life.
I'm getting ready for my third baby. I know that if at all possible (and I will do my best to make it possible), this baby will be a breastfed baby too. I started to think about nusing my baby yesterday morning. I was waiting at the mall with my boys for Santa to come for pictures with Santa. I was sitting on a bench with a mother of a 3 week old little girl. When her baby was hungry, she went to nurse her, but also made sure she was completely covered with blankets. So many blankets, I wondered if her child was overheating under there. That got me thinking about all sorts of stories I've heard of what it is like to nurse in public. I've nursed in public. I've nursed in restaurants, in stores, in the library, at the mall, and at church. I'm pretty discrete, but I also make sure my baby is comfortable too. There are places around the world where nursing your baby in public is not a big deal. Your baby is hungry, you feed it, case closed. Here in North America we have a little bit of a different culture. Your baby is hungry, go ahead and feed it, just don't make me uncomfortable in the process. Personally, I prefer to find a quiet, relaxing place to nurse. I like when malls provide couches and rocking chairs for nursing moms, not to hide us away, but to encourage us to be comfortable. I love that our library was nursing friendly signs in it, particularily near the couches and cushions in the children's section, so my other kids can read and play while I feed the baby. But I also know that there isn't always a quiet place to go to. And when baby is hungry, it's time to eat, NOW! The worst I've heard (and I hear it a lot) is people encouraging nursing moms to go sit on the toilet in the store washroom to nurse. Really? Would you eat your lunch on a toilet? Why would I choose to have my infant eat there? Have you seen the state of some of the public restrooms? Why isn't it okay to sit on a bench in the store to nurse? This is the part of me that questions how much a breastfeeding Nazi I have in me. As time has gone on I've felt more pressure to explain why I choose to nurse my kids and defend my right to do it. Those who don't nurse may wonder then why I wouldn't plan my days around my child's nursing schedule. Realistically, that isn't possible. Newborns eat every 3 hours for 45 minutes to an hour, from start to start time. So there are times when you feed the baby only to have them wanting to eat an hour and half later. It does limit your schedule if you live by baby's needs alone.
It leaves me in a place of limbo. I nurse my kids because I believe it is offering them the best I can give them. I understand that in the culture we live in, public nursing can make people uncomfortable. I'm not one to be in your face about it, I just want my kids to eat. I'm also not one to berate anyone who for whatever reason chooses not to nurse their babies, that's not my call, that's theirs. I wonder if the reason breastfeeding moms have gotten a bad rap of being 'breastfeeding Nazis' because we are working against the culture we live in. We live where breasts are seen as completely sexual, so we are funny and awkward about them. Take a look at a magazine rack and tell me what you see. A lot more skin than a nursing mommy shows. Why aren't we up in arms about that? Why isn't that labelled disgusting? Why aren't those magazine covers told to go cover up and hide in the washroom?

Monday Mama Musings

Good morning Monday. As mentioned in yesterday's post it is World Breastfeeding Week so today's musing is breastfeeding focused. I'm including both a poll and a plea to comment today! Please, please leave me a message :o) I'm really and truly interested in your answers!

First to last weeks poll, it appears that most of you are blessed with family nearby when searching for a babysitter - lucky you! We did find a new sitter, we know her family a little bit and she came to volunteer at our church's summer kids club. She did a great job with the boys and I'd definitely hire her again :o)

Back to this week's topic. For those nursing mommies (and those no longer nursing), are you comfortable nursing in public? What places have you felt most welcome to nurse your baby? Do you have a favorite place to go? I know I frequented the kids section at Chapters bookstore (great when you have a busy toddler too that can play with the Thomas table) and the public library had some comfy seats with Breastfeeding friendly signs in it.

Are you comfortable nursing in public?

• yes
• no

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Below is a poem written Dr. Suess style that I love. I first saw it in the office of the mother-baby clinic at our hospital. I'm glad I could find it online to share with you :o)

Little ones can squirm and pout
make a fuss and scream and shout
When hunger hits without a doubt,
Sit right down and whip them out.

I would nurse them if they cried,
I could nurse them far and wide,
Here and there or Up or down or on a chair.
For this fine milk is very rare!!!

Would you nurse them on a train?
Would you nurse them on a plane?
Would you nurse them in a car?
Would you nurse them in a bar?

Yes, on a train, yes on a plane.
Yes, in a car, yes in a bar.
I would nurse them here or there.
I would nurse them anywhere!

I would nurse them in a booth,
On the stairs or near the roof.
Anywhere my boys cry out,
I pop the nummies in their mouth.

I can serve it by the ounce,
I can serve it while I bounce.
In a bottle or in a jar,
I can serve from near or far.

Would you, could you nurse in church?
Would you on a shaky perch?
Would you, could you, in the stands?
Could you nurse them with no hands?

I would, I could nurse in church,
Even on a shaky perch.
In the stands, with no hands,
I'll nurse my babies on demand.

Would you nurse them at the store?
Would you nurse them on the floor?
Would you nurse them on a ship?
Careful not to show your nip!

Would you nurse them while on skis?
Would you nurse them on your knees?
Would you nurse them in a tree?
Mummy milk's SO GOOD, you see.

Would you nurse them by the stream?
You could nurse them while you dream.
Can you nurse and clean the house?
Can you nurse and chase a mouse?

Can you nurse and cook a meal?
Mummy's milk is the real deal!
Would you nurse them while you sleep?
How about while you sweep?

Could you nurse them in a sling?
Would you, could you, while you sing?
How about upon a swing?
Mother's milk is just the thing!

Would you nurse them at the park?
Would you nurse them in the dark?
Would you nurse them with a Boppy? (*brand of breastfeeding pillow)
And when your boobs are feeling floppy?

I would nurse them in the park,
I would nurse them in the dark.
I'd nurse with or without a Boppy.
Floppy boobs will never stop me.

Can you nurse with your seatbelt on?
Can you nurse from dusk till dawn?
Though they may pinch me, bite me, pull,
I will nurse them 'till they're full!

Can you nurse and make some soup?
Can you nurse and feed the group?
It makes them healthy, strong and smart,
Mummy's milk is the best start!

Would you nurse them at the game?
Would you nurse them in the rain?
In front of those who dare complain?
I would nurse them at the game.
I would nurse them in the rain.

As for those who protest lactation,
I have a perfect explanation.
Mummy milk is tailor made
It's perfect food, you need no aid.

Some may scoff and some may wriggle,
Avert their eyes or even giggle.
To those who can be cruel and rude,
Remind them breast's the perfect food!

I would never scoff or giggle,
Roll my eyes or even wiggle!
I would not be so crass or crude,
I KNOW that milk's the perfect food!

We make the right amount we need,
The perfect temp for every feed.
There's no compare to milk from breast---
The perfect food, above the rest.

Those nursing smiles are oh so sweet,
Mummy milk is such a treat.
Human milk just can't be beat.
I will nurse, in any case,
On the street or in your face.

I will not let my babies cry,
I'll meet their needs, I'll always try.
It's not about what's good for you,
It's best for babies, through and through.

I will nurse them in my home,
I will nurse them when I roam.
Leave me be lads, leave me be ma'am.
I will nurse them, Mum I am.

Learn more about World Breastfeeding week: http://worldbreastfeedingweek.org/

World Breastfeeding Week

I have discovered that today marks the beginning of World Breastfeeding Week. In honour of that I'd like to tell you a story. I have permission of my friend Anna to relate this all to you.

As I just mentioned I have a friend named Anna who lives in Slovakia. Thanks to the wonder that is Facebook we've been able to reconnect a bit over the past few years. Anna is the mother of 2 lovely little girls.

Shortly after her second child was born she posted a status about her daughter not gaining weight. I didn't want to intrude, but I had also been there with my second baby and wanted to offer help if I could (as well as help can go when you live on 2 different continents).

I kept our messages to each other. They went something like this (with a little bit of editing):

Hi Anna,

First, congratulations on the birth of your new little girl, I've been one of those silent lurkers on your blog site following along.

Your status caught my eye tonight, and I wanted to share what I hope will be some encouragement.

When my son was born last year, we went through a lot of worries about his weight, he kept dropping weight after we left the hospital and did not gain. It was a mystery to me because it seemed that I was always nursing him.

I worked with a lactation consultant nurse quite extensively and she really helped me out. She discovered that although it seemed that he was always nursing, he was really only nursing for short periods of time and then falling asleep (a vicious cycle really). As well there were a few issues with getting a good latch on and she taught me how to latch him and hold him properly so he would get a good feed. I did have to take some time to pump and supplement with extra breast milk when I fed from one side that was slower than the other as well with a feeding tube.

It was a lot of work and heartbreaking work because you think these things are supposed to be natural therefore easy...but he did start to gain weight and eat better, and here we are a year later ready to celebrate his first birthday.
Now I don't know if you are breastfeeding or not. I have no idea what resources there are in Slovakia for new babies and moms. But I hope that if you need help for your little girl you can find it. If you are nursing her and would like some tips, I know of some good websites that have good information to help.

I just felt compelled to share because I know how sad and scary it is when your baby isn't gaining weight. I hope that helps you some. I'll be praying for your daughter as well.

Take Care,
Kristen

She replied:

Hi Kristen,

such a timely message from you! I've cried soooo much in the last 2 weeks! With my first daughter, a similar thing happened... she dropped weight significantly and after 3 weeks, I started supplementing with formula and then only ended up being able to breastfeed for 4 months before there was no milk.

I was determined it'll work this time with this baby. Well, it appeared to be going so well but she did lose weight and since we've been home, 2 weeks now, she did not gain. My doc said we have to add formula to my breastfeeding... I saw her again yesterday and she is insisting we need to start doing something for her health.. of course I want my kids to be healthy and well but I am so worried that once I intro formula, there will be quick road down to my breastfeeding. I am so discouraged. I really thought it'll all go well.

As you said, my daughter too is very sleepy, I think still due to her jaundice, so she falls asleep, she is pretty weak and thus can't suck properly. I am also convinced she is not latching on right and that's part of the problem. Finally, I tried expressing yesterday to see how much there was in one side while I offered her the other - and I discovered I have pretty low supply - about 20 ml in one! I was so disappointed. I've been trying to tell the nurses and the doc that I think she has a problem with latching but no one is helping. The lactation consultants do exist here I've heard but it's very new and rare and I don't have an access to one... I am so desperate for help... I've been looking online and found some stuff but I mainly need actual physical help - teaching herhow to latch on, how to suck and walking with me through the process.

Sadly though, I think now she might actually be hungry as i guess not enough milk forms due to her non-proper latching and so as the doc insists, I might need to add formula. She wants us back on Thurs but said we need to test her with a formula bottle of 50ml to see if she'd drink that... she also took some blood and thought she might be iron-deficient...

It's very frustrating and so discouraging all for me... I feel so trapped and don't know what the right thing is to do.

If you do have some good websites, please pass them along.

Thanks again for contacting me, Kristen, it's good to be able to chat and even just to get it out of me, too.

Thanks for prayers, too! Boy, do we need them!! (I've not even gotten into telling you about how difficult life is right now with our first, she is dealing with jealousy issues and we've seen our sweet little wonderful girl turn into something she never was before... but that's another topic, it's just adding to my grief...)
Sorry I vented so much...
Blessings,
Anna

PS So are you still breastfeeding your son?



Wow! So much information to tackle. With a second child you have both the worries of getting the baby off to a good start, but also the sibling rivalry that develops from the first. Here's what I wrote back:

Don't worry about venting, I did a similar thing with my friend Jill when I was going through this (she has 2 boys the same ages as mine)...you need to share with someone who is going through the same thing. And as well, I had the jealously issues with my first, and guilt about that too, so I hear you there.

As for online help, there are some breastfeeding support groups on Facebook.
I belong to Canadian Breastfeeding Mommies http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2244768189

I got some good help there with pumping milk.
and attachment parenting http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2224151641
which covers everything from breastfeeding to babywearing

There is some great information on the La Leche International site
http://www.llli.org/
It has country links...if there isn't anything for Slovakia, try Canada resources.

Here are some sites that help with latching (how to instructions and videos)
http://www.breastfeeding.com/helpme/helpme_images_latchon.html
http://www.breastfeeding.com/helpme/helpme_video.html
http://video.about.com/breastfeeding/Breast-Feeding-Latch-Position.htm

I found that I had to really take control of my son's head and that breast compressions were very important to get him to suck properly.
Here's what I did for success:
1: sit comfortably, get a pillow to help set up baby
2: tuck baby's lower arm under her (so that she isn't flailing about...swaddling both arms in works well too)
3: cradle her so that you end up holding her head so that you have control of where it goes
4: take hold of your breast with your other hand...express a few drops of milk, rub the nipple across her lips
5: when she opens her mouth wide, shove the breast in (repeat until she is latched on)
6: then take your hand to start compressing...a proper compression, you grasp your breast and squeeze down and forward (kinda forcing the milk out) and hold for a few counts, release, and compress again...you kinda start to get in a rhythm with your baby (don't do what I did at first which was compress, compress, compress all quickly, the holding down is an important part of it)
-make sure that she eats for a good 20-50 minutes

If she starts to fall asleep here are some wake up baby tips (your husband and older daughter can help with some of these):
1: start undressing her
2: blow on her head/neck
3: tickle her feet
4: get a cool cloth and gently rub it on her

A good breast pump is important right now too.
Pump often so that if you need to supplement, you can supplement with breast milk first. Remember that pumping is never as effective as a baby's suck so it will be less than you think.
I found the best times to pump were 1) on the opposite breast than he was eating while he was eating, 2) about an hour after he ate, 3) first thing in the morning

A piece of advice that helped reassure me was this: If you need to supplement, 90% breast milk and 10% formula is better than no breast milk at all...allow yourself that grace. Her's health is the most important thing. What my doctor was worried about (and why she sent me to the breastfeeding clinic) was that my son would just keep falling asleep and falling asleep and she wanted him to wake up...he needed to get his iron stores up.

Also, if you do introduce a bottle, try breastfeeding first and then finish with the bottle (that way you always get good nipple stimulation which is what helps keep up your supply)
If introducing a bottle replaces a feed...pump to replace that feed for the same reason.
I know one mom who purposely introduced a bottle when her baby was quite small so that she could get a break at night (take a bath, have some alone time)...it turned into a real nice time for her husband to spend with their daughter.

As for your older daughter...because that issue is important too!
Here's some tips that worked with my son.
Give yourself grace in these early days. I kept him in part-time daycare until my second was 2 months old, so I could get some sleep. Take people up on offers to help and get them to take her out for a bit, or, get your husband to take her on some daddy-daughter dates...for a muffin, or to the park, or the library or where ever.
When my second was newborn, my first's TV time went up a bit (I was always very strict about only an hour a day until then) This time isn't forever and sometimes a kids DVD is just what the doctor ordered.

Use the time you are feeding baby as a quiet special time for all 3 of you. Get out the puzzles, get out the storybooks. Have your oldest turn the pages as you read and all 3 of you camp out on the bed. Coloring, play-dough are great too.
Friends of mine with little girls found that their oldest having a baby doll to take care of helped with the transition. We didn't get our a baby doll but he did start carrying around his stuffed sheep like a baby. (including holding it under his shirt so it could eat :o))

My husband reminded me that it would benefit our second to see me doing something with our first, so I took time to put the baby in the baby swing and do something with our oldest each day (it's exhausting I know). We would make cookies (something he and I did every Wednesday anyway) or I'd put baby in the sling (baby carrier) and kick a soccer ball with our first...just so he knew that the baby was not taking his place. I'd also talk to him about who he was and how special he is to us. My mom got us a great book called I'm a Big Brother (there's an equvalent sister book)
http://www.amazon.com/Im-Big-Sister-Joanna-Cole/dp/B0012F9VSO/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1204637272&sr=8-1
that we used that was great to help.

We had noticed that friends of ours really used dad to take over when mom was busy with the baby so we tried the same approach, not so easy when dad is at work I know.
We still battle with sibling rivalry now and then and we've learned that we can never leave the 2 of them alone together. Unintentionally, pre-schoolers can really hurt their baby siblings, because their brains are developed only to react, not think and act. Our oldest gets quite upset when baby cries...so will hit him to get him to stop crying...which of course makes him cry even more. So if my husband's not home and I want a shower, I put baby in his crib, and settle our oldest with something before going in.

Equally important, take care of yourself! Get sleep whenever you can! You are no good to either of them when you are exhausted...
I know, it sounds ridiculous: Get the baby eating for close to an hour every 3 hours, and breast pump, and see to the needs of a demanding , jealous pre-schooler and still take care of yourself...and not feel exhausted and stressed and guilty...supermom! The thing that kept me going was knowing that this time doesn't last forever and you will get through. With our first I didn't know that you get through it...with our second I had the benefit of having gone through the first 2 months with the oldest and knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. 6 weeks seems to be the magic number.

I know this is a lot of information, but I hope it helps some. I also know that good breastfeeding support is hard to come by (and we're supposed to be so advanced...) We met up with one of my husband's cousins in England last summer who had a 3 month old. She was so upset that she was formula feeding her baby. The nurse there told her that she couldn't breastfeed properly so she had to start using bottles. When we talked more, it sounded like she had similar issues, but no support to get her through. Another friend of mine here in Canada was told to start using formula because her baby woke at night to eat when he was 4 months old (which is perfectly normal) and so her supply dropped and she wasn't able to follow through the way she wanted to either.

The best place to get breastfeeding support, if you don't have a proper breastfeeding nurse is usually from other breastfeeding mommies. We've been there, we know. (and don't listen to those who say, but it's so easy...because it isn't...it's easy once you get going and know how...it's not to get going properly...)

I just remember that Jill knows a lady who is an exclusive pumper...her babies bottle feed, but bottle feed breast milk (I can't imagine having that much supply, but God created us beautifully)

As for our boy, he did get the hang of it and did gain weight. I still do breastfeed him (he's turning one on Thursday), but not exclusively. I'm in process of weaning, but still in debate on when to cut him off...our first was already weaned by this time (11 and a half months is when he stopped). I actually had a difficult time introducing our second to a bottle when I went back to work last fall. (I waited to long to introduce it-I would have started when he was about 6 weeks old) The first week was terrible (my husband brought him to me at work a couple of times because our son refused the bottle) La Leche helped us out there too to get him to take it. He was bottle fed breast milk for the first few months and slowly introduced to formula. I don't pump anymore...I don't have the supply...in fact I only breastfeed on one side now, because my slow side slowed down more and more gradually that he stopped being able to get the milk as fast as he wanted it.

When I had first started to breastfeed him, we discovered that the right side was slow...what the nurse had me do was use my pumped milk and then take some into a syringe that was attached to a feeding tube and slip the feeding tube into his mouth when he was on that side (kind of like adding an extra duct to his feed) so that the would realize that he was getting milk from that side too. I only had to do that for a few days until he got the hang of it.

Oh I remember that so well, I was so tired and frustrated, I thought it this didn't work, to heck with it...I'm bringing in formula. I also remember the breastfeeding nurse suggested putting breast milk into a small cup (like a medicine cup, shot glass size) and teaching baby to drink from it...you need to put a receiving blanket around baby because it can get messy, tip the cup a little and apparently, they can lap it up like puppies...who knew?

You can also find out how much your daughter is taking in by getting a test weight. Get her weighed before she eats...feed her, then weigh her again...the difference is the amount of ounces that she is getting in.

Remember too that formula isn't a crime...it's to assist you in getting your daughter to be healthy. Use it if you need to and forgive yourself for it.

If anything I hope this helps you at least know you aren't alone!

-Kristen

We continued on with updates for a bit and the good news is that Anna and her daughter stuck with it. She did have to supplement with a little formula, but her daughter is now over a year old and just a beautiful little girl. I went on to nurse my son until he was about 17 months.

I think Jill said it best when she wrote about breastfeeding basics a few months back. Breastfeeding is a lot like sex, perfectly natural, but it can be awkward and a learning process at first.

A great online resource is www.breastfeeding.com
They have everything that you would ever want to know about breastfeeding your child (including online tutorials and podcasts with lactation consultants).

That New Baby

I was feeling awfully nostalgic today. There's a song on the country stations right now that has a line about the first time you hold him (meaning your newborn). Ahh, I just melt. I remember exactly what it felt like to hold my newborn babies skin to skin. And their skin was so soft and their shoulders so little. It's an absolute melt you moment.
An associated memory was the next step, starting nursing. I wasn't prepared for it really. Here I had just spent hours and hours in labour. I didn't remember the last time I had eaten (and anyways lost what I had eaten in the labouring process). I really just wanted to know that my babies were okay, have a shower and go to sleep. But no. That baby has worked hard too. That baby was now hungry and there was no umbilical cord feeding him anymore.
I remember with my first how the nurse told me to just let her know when my son was ready to nurse and she'd help us out. Great! How do I know when he's ready? I mean really, this was brand new to me. I'd already done something I'd never done before that day, it was called giving birth. Now I had to learn another skill. (Look out for hunger signs such as him smacking his lips, licking his lips, opening and closing his mouth - and really, they do want to try to eat within that first hour. I mean wouldn't you want a little something if you'd had to do all that hard work?)
I was a little more prepared for the fact that everything wasn't all over once I had my second baby. I knew this time that they (meaning the doctors and nurses) wanted a good nursing attempt within the hour. I just had to remember how to do it with a newborn who had no idea (just instinct) what he was doing.
It really is a learned skill. It can be awkward and frustrating for the both of you. Jill wrote some great stuff on how to breastfeed. I didn't want to get into that with this post, I really just wanted to live in memory land of my newborns. Those little shoulders, that soft skin, those perfect tiny faces...

The Wheel by Victoria Banks

You come into the world kickin and screamin
The clock starts ticking with the breath youre breathin
Tiny hands, tiny feet and all you do is eat and sleep
Then you blink your eyes and crawlin across the floor
Then you blink them again and youre runnin out the door
For a tire swing, a school bus, and a second hand Chevy
And you're kickin up dust
It happened so fast, just like that


Oh, the wheel keeps turnin and the flame keeps burnin
And the hunger in the heart and the spirit of a soul keeps yearnin
And the wheel keeps turnin


You fall for love on a prayer and a wing
And your heart gets broken and you feel that sting
Then you fall again, and it sure feels right
And a half a second later theyre throwin rice
Then youre back to work and the honeymoons done
Boy, time flies when youre havin fun
You buy a little house with a leaky roof
Then youre paintin that nursery baby blue
The first time you hold him it starts all over


Oh, the wheel keeps turnin and the flame keeps burnin
And the hunger in the heart and the spirit of a soul keeps yearnin
And the wheel keeps turnin


The sun comes up and the moon goes down
The rock in the sky spins round and round
Its one more day here on the ground as the stars roll by
You live and learn breakin bins, say a little prayer when the daylight ends
Wake in the mornin, do it all again, its a crazy ride


Oh, the wheel keeps turnin and the flame keeps burnin
And the hunger in the heart and the spirit of a soul keeps yearnin
And the wheel keeps turnin


You come into the world kickin and screamin
And the wheel keeps turnin

What You Need to Know Before You Breastfeed: Newly Exposed Skin Hurts

I know, I know. They tell you that if the baby is latched on properly, its not going to hurt. The truth is, though, that for a couple of days or weeks, depending on how sensitive your skin is, your breasts are going to be a little chaffed and sore.

I had a friend in highschool who figure skated. I remember one day, she came to school with her feet wrapped up in bandages. I asked her what had happened. She shrugged and said, "Oh, new skates. It takes a week or so for them to work in. In the meantime your feet get pretty sore." The adjustment your skin makes when nursing a baby is pretty similar.

Think of it this way: You nipples have, for the most part, been cloistered away in specially designed, cushioned carriers for the last few years. They have been treated gently and delicately, for the most part, for that time. Now they are going to be trotted out every 1 - 2 hours and sucked on and exposed to the elements. Everything is going to get moist from a mix of saliva and milk, and the dry out, and then get moist again. This is a big change for skin in a very sensitive area. It will take a few days to adjust to this new state of affairs. In the mean time, nursing is going to hurt. Your nipples may crack and bleed, even if you are doing nothing wrong. If you have very sensitive skin and a very enthusiastic baby, you may experience cracking and bleeding as a chronic concern throughout your time as a nursing mom. And, surprise! Every time you start nursing a new baby, you will get to go through it all again as your skin toughens up once more.

Why don't you hear about this? Because no one wants to scare you away from breastfeeding by telling you that it can hurt, just like no one tells you their labour horror stories until you are already pregnant. It is part of that strange, secret pool of information that women only admit to after you have joined the club.

So, what can you do to make things as pain free as possible, and help your skin heal up quickly? Here's a few tips:
-- get some Lanolin. The brand I have in called Lansinoh. It is sticky, oily stuff that helps soften and protect your nipples and surrounding area, but that is safe for the baby to ingest. Apply it when your nipples are dry, after you have breastfed, or whenever they feel uncomfortable and dry.
-- whenever possible, air dry. Your skin is moist right after nursing. If you put it next to fabric while it dries, it will stick a little. Then, when you go to nurse the next time, you will pull a bit of skin off when you loosen your bra to feed the baby.
-- check your baby's latch. Make sure that someone experienced has shown you how to latch the baby on properly. Check the baby's latch to make sure they are not making the problem worse by sucking improperly.
-- breathe deeply and find your happy place as you latch the baby on. If you are tense because of pain, baby will sense it and your milk will not flow as well. Remember all those labour relaxations exercises? Now you get to use them again!
-- don't worry if a little blood gets into the baby's milk. I have a friend whose nipples bled severely for a few weeks. She asked her doctor if this was going to harm her son, and he said it would not. She nursed three children with a bit of pain, but otherwise no problems.
-- remind yourself of the eventual payoff. In a few short days or weeks this too shall pass. Like so many things you will experience as a mother, you will find that little bit of pain and frustration can be worth a lot of later satisfaction.

What You Need to Know Before You Breastfeed: Learning to Latch

Mothering is about teaching. The way we respond to our children and the way we act and react every day teaches our children about life. But there are also specific things we need to teach our children so that they can live healthy, happy lives. The first thing you will teach your child is how to latch on to your breast.

Latch is the word used to describe how your baby's mouth is attached to your breast. If your baby is latched correctly, nursing will be comfortable after the first few days (more on that later). If your baby is latched correctly, she will be able to easily access your milk, and her sucking will encourage your body to produce the right amount of milk for your baby. If you baby is not latched correctly, she will not be able to get enough milk, her sucking will wear on your nipples, your milk supply will not be established properly, and it will really all be downhill from there.

How can you tell if your baby is latched correctly? Here is a checklist of things to check for. Basically, if the baby is just sucking your nipple and you have a kind of pinched feeling in your breast, the latch is probably not correct. If you are still really, really sore after the first few days, when your skin seems to be over the initial chafing, suspect a bad latch.

For the first few weeks, every time you breastfeed, you need to check that your baby is latched on properly. If she is not, then you need to gently remove her from the breast, and start over. This will be frustrating. A hungry baby does not like to be removed from her food source, and she will cry a little. Which means her mouth will be wide open, and you can calm her down and encourage her to go back on the breast quite easily. Even though this will frustrate your baby, it is essential to the long term future of your breast feeding relationship. Like so many things in life, the short term aggravation is really, really worth the long term payoff.

It might be that the baby's top lip is open, but the bottom lip is curled in, rather than open, like its supposed to be. In this case, all you have to do is gently pull the baby's chin until her lip relaxes open.

Once you are a few days in, make sure you get to see a health nurse or lactation consultant or a doctor that actually knows about breastfeeding, so they can check that the baby is latching properly. If you are worried about something and no one is coming to see you, don't be afraid to drop in somewhere and just ask someone -- a doctor, a nurse, a lactation consultant, your friend who has nursed three kids, the local La Leche League leader -- if it looks right to them. This is not the time to be shy. This is the time to get things right.

Most of all, don't get discouraged. Don't get in a panic. Keep calm and carry on. And keep working on teaching your baby their very first lesson.

What You Need to Know Before You Breastfeed: Natural Things Do Not Always Come Natrually

When I was pregnant with my first child, I knew I was going to breastfeed. All the research supported the benefits of mama's milk, I was too cheap to buy formula (after all, I could spend the money on books or fabric) and it looked so easy. In B.C., where I was living at the time, public nursing is a normal occurrence. I had seen women feed their babies. All you did was lift up your shirt and pop the baby on. Simple. I could do that.

But what I quickly realized when my son arrived, is that just because something is natural, does not mean it always comes easily and naturally to you. Have you ever decided to start running? It is a purely natural activity, but if you have previously been sedentary, it hurts for a few weeks. Do you remember your first sexual encounter? Did it take you a few tries to figure everything out properly? Was it maybe a little uncomfortable at first? Breastfeeding is much the same.

If you have never breastfed before, you are a novice. And since your baby is fresh from the womb, he or she is not going to be much help. Babies have some natural sucking instincts, but they need some help to get it right. You have the proper equipment, but it is not quite broken in yet. You will both need some time to get used to this new experience. It will be awkward and uncomfortable and frustrating at first. You might need some further instruction to get things working properly. And all those women you see nonchalantly popping their babies on the breast? They were exactly the same when they started.

What can you do to make things go smoother? First, put down that book that gives you every detail about your developing fetus. I have news: the fetus will, in all likelihood, develop earlobes whether you are aware of it or not. You new baby not necessarily latch properly without your help. Get a good book about nursing and read it through. Bookmark some websites with information about breastfeeding. Find a few women who have nursed at least one child and ask them for advice -- have their phone numbers handy. Look up the name and number of the local lactation consultant and add them to your list.

Second, change your mindset. Expect some frustration and pitfalls to come your way. Enlist some help for the first few days or weeks after the baby comes, so you can concentrate on having a positive start. Relax, and remember that this is all a learning process. Have confidence in your instincts and in this natural process, and don't be afraid to ask for help. We've all been there. Really, we have.

A Few Helpful Reads:
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding -- La Leche League classic -- a little rose coloured in my opinion, but helpful none the less
The Breastfeeding Book Martha Sears is a lactation consultant, and the mother of 8 children. The books she co-writes with her husband usually have a nice blend of practical wisdom and medical knowledge. Haven't read this one, but I have found the breastfeeding section in the Baby Book invaluable -- this is probably a lot of the same info.
The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book . Dr Jack Newman is a Canadian doctor who is an expert on breastfeeding. He is considered a radical because he believes that almost every woman can and should nurse their baby, and he is outspoken about a number of topics relating to formula and advertising and samples in hospitals. He also has lots of clear, helpful information.

Websites: all of the above mentioned authors have great websites. Also check out Kellymom . Her website is definitely one to bookmark for later trouble shooting - I wouldn't have made it past 4 months with my first son if not for her website.

What You Need to Know Before You Breastfeed: Introduction

When it comes to breastfeeding, I find that women in my generation are often in a double bind. We hear all around us the message that Breast is Best. We are encouraged to breastfeed our children, and given lists of the benefits of nursing our babies. But we are often not given the practical information we need to accomplish this task.

In many cases, our mothers and grandmothers used formula to feed their children. The medical professionals we go to are uninformed about the nitty gritty details of nursing a baby. We worry about telling women who are pregnant with their first child about the early ordeals involved in breastfeeding, so as not to scare them away, and we worry about preaching to and pressuring our friends with new babies, so as not to make those early weeks more difficult. We don't want to pressure our friends and family on this delicate, sometimes controversial subject, so we don't give them the information they need to succeed.

There are several things I have heard women say over and over, "I wish someone had told me about this. My early experiences would have been so different." I have especially heard this from women who were frustrated, and eventually gave up nursing before they wanted to due to latch problems or lack of milk supply, only to discover that one or two key pieces of information would have helped them through. So, I thought that over the next week or so I would let you in on some information you need to know before you start breastfeeding. I hope these posts can help someone have less troubles in those early weeks with their new baby.