Too Old For A Pacifier?

My daughter is 17 months now and I'm starting the process of weaning her from her soother. All three of my children have used pacifiers and all of them under different circumstances.  (I've previously written about my sookie babies here) My first started using one at about 6 weeks of age. He was a constant nurser and I needed something to help him comfort suck. My second I transitioned to a soother when he was an older baby, as he started to use me as a pacifier. My third was put on a paci at the hospital as a preemie in the NICU. Preemies are often put on a pacifier to help their jaw muscle development so that they can have the strength to become good nursers.
My first was weaned from the soother at about a year and a half. He had been finished nursing at 12 months. I used a 'lovey' (stuffed toy) to as a sleep aid rather than the paci. And then when we moved we 'lost' the soothers in the move.
My second was a little bit older to stop using a pacifier. It happened around his second birthday. He nursed for longer (17 months) and never did take to a 'lovey'. Getting rid of his paci was tougher as we couldn't find a good transition sleep/comfort object for him.
My third child is still nursing and I'm hoping that she nurses until close to her second birthday. I think as long as she is nursing before her nap and bedtime I will be using the soother with her. Right now I'm working on making it available only for sleep time. So far, it's working. Out of sight, out of mind.
As I've been re-reading and re-visiting the idea of pacifier weaning, I came across some articles that for lack of a better term fall into the great pacifier debate: "How old is too old for a pacifier?" It reminded me of once seeing a child who was about 6 still using a pacifier, out with his parents for the day. The look just took me by surprise. As much as I try not to judge parents, I couldn't help the thought of, "that's just not right". I will confess that I was a long term thumb sucker as a child (till age 6). One of the reasons I like(d) having my children on a pacifier rather than a thumb is that a pacifier can be taken away, a thumb can't. My parents had the cost of orthodontic bill for me to fix my crooked teeth partly caused by thumb sucking.
Famously in the media is celeb offspring, Suri Cruise, who at age 4 still uses her paci. Toddlers and Tiaras star Mackenzie has been caught on camera more than once freaking out looking for her 'ni ni'. (As a side note, wouldn't you love to see the Supernanny take on Mackenzie and her mother?)

So what's the big deal? When is a good age to remove the paci? How old is too old for it?
A paci is designed for infant use. We all know that sucking is an important part of an infant's development. Most pediatricians recommend losing the paci by age 1, and definitely by age 2. The rationale is to allow for the child to find another way of comforting themselves and to allow the child to develop proper speech. Yes, I've seen plenty of older children trying to speak with a paci in their mouth and you can't understand what they are saying. There is also the danger of using the paci as a way of keeping your child quiet. Daycare centres who are successful in not allowing the child to use a paci all day are often frustrated that the first thing the parent does when they pick their child up is put 'the plug in the mouth'.  I think pacifiers have their values and benefits, but they are not something that should be used long term.  If you are having troubles getting rid of the soother, there may be deeper parenting issues there.  Look at the reasons why you are using it.  Is it to make your child happy at all costs?  Is it to make your life easier and quieter?  Or, maybe you just aren't bothered by it and it isn't an issue for you.  I'm interested to hear what other moms think on this topic.  It's a great debate.  There are those who wear their status of "my child never used one" with pride.  There are others like me who found them useful, but were happy to be done with them once their purpose was served.  And then there are those who have long-term paci users.  I could be opening a can of worms here, but I think that's a good thing, I love a good debate.

Night Weaning

One of our faithful readers has asked a question about weaning, and I thought I would respond with a little bit of my experience. Usually, around 15 months, I get tired. Not just sleepy a bit during the day, but more of a bone deep, mind numbing, I haven't-had-a-long-stretch-of-sleep-in-18-months exhausted. All higher brain functions has ceased. All emotional control starts to fall away, leaving me a grumpy mommy just on the verge of breaking into a seething rage at any moment. Its not a happy sight, ladies.

This is the time that I usually consider the first stage of weaning for me -- night weaning. I know that a toddler at this age does not need to nurse for nutritional reasons. They are eating enough during the day to sustain themselves. They are simply used to the comfort of sucking back to sleep. Since they are sleeping right next to me, it takes more energy to settle them back to sleep in any other way. But when I start to deeply and seriously wear out, it is time for a change.

I would not suggest night weaning before your baby is eating a lot of solids during the day, or before they are able to make it through the night without being hungry. If you notice that baby is busy during the day and consuming most of their calories in the night, start to slow them down and encourage them to eat and nurse more during the day before you attempt to night wean. It will probably take a week or two to get them into better day time eating habits. Once they are eating better during the day, you can start night weaning.

First, let me say that there is a great section on this in Dr. Sears' The Baby Book. He mentions that since the baby is used to being comforted back to sleep, you need to give them a transitional comfort to help them back to sleep. The first stage should be to try to just pat or snuggle baby back to sleep. If baby starts to cry, Dad should get up with baby and walk / sing / snuggle him back to sleep. In this way, the baby is not deprived of comfort, he is just comforted by a different care giver.

This never worked for us, because my husband needs more sleep than I do, and he was working full time while I was staying at home when our babies were this age. This is just a fact about our physical make-ups that we both know. I can get by with less sleep than he can, so I do.

Kris suggested introducing a pacifier. This worked with her middle son and helped him to soothe to sleep and transition from the breast to nothing. This is another great option if you baby is comfort sucking and will take it. For some kids a teddy bear or other softie or blanket might be helpful in comforting babies back to sleep.

Usually, after a week or so, kids get used to their transitional sleep object, and realize they are not going to nurse back to sleep. They start to move from sleep cycle to sleep cycle a bit more smoothly and no longer wake you up as much at night.

For my kids, transitional objects didn't work, so I got up and walked them in the sling or rocked them. Yes, this did mean that my sleep was interrupted more for a few weeks. But I kept the long term goal in mind and kept with it. They would cry for a little bit, and then gradually fall back to sleep for two or three wakings. With both boys, I found that it was the 2 or 3 am waking that was the most difficult. I don't know if they were actually hungry, or just less tired and more willing to fight, but this waking was the most persistent and was the one where they would put up the most fight.

For this waking I followed one of Dr Sears' suggestions, and told them "The nums come back when the sun comes up". This gave them a tangible signal for when they would get to nurse again, and it gave me some way to reassure them that this was not forever. With my oldest son I realized that this was not the best thing to say in a northern climate in June, since the sun comes up at about 3am, but none the less, it was helpful.

For this waking, we had a few days of crying and screaming with my oldest son. I rocked and snuggled him and eventually he fell back to sleep. He learned in about a week that he was not going to get nursed. This was still the waking stage where he had the most trouble falling back to sleep, but after about 2 weeks of nightly sling walks, he did start to fall back to sleep just by snuggling next to me in bed. By the end of the second week, I only had to walk him in the sling a couple of times a week, and by the end of the month we didn't have to used the sling at all.

My second son was more persistent (we have found that this is simply his personality in all things). He fought for about two weeks, and would be awake for up to two hours during this time. I would rock him and read him books with the lights dimmed until he was ready to fall asleep, so that he wouldn't wake up his brother and cause complete chaos. I have a vivid memory of the night he finally realized that mama was not going to give in. We had been reading books, and then he started throwing the books away. I tried rocking him in the chair, and he climbed out. I tried walking him in the sling, and he climbed out. I sat him on the floor. He sat and started at me and screamed for a while. I persisted with telling him "No nums until the sun comes up." He quieted, looked at me for a minute, then collapsed sideways, asleep, on the floor. I left him there, grabbed a blanket and collapsed next to him.

I know, this sounds terrible. But sometimes, my children's wants -- not their actual needs, but their preferred way of operating -- has to come second to my real, actual needs. In this case, my need for real sleep so I could function properly during the day, took preference.

For us, this was the first step to weaning. I waited a few months for this to settle in before I proceeded to daytime weaning.

Are Babies Really Confused?

There's been a lot of talk on the idea of nipple confusion. I don't think babies are confused as much as have a developed preference. Bottle feeding is a lot less work for them, so really it just makes sense if you are breastfeeding to wait to introduce a bottle. Make sure your supply is up and breastfeeding is well established before offering a bottle. By the same token if you do want your baby to bottle feed once in a while, don't wait as long as I did with my second child. He was 5 months old and wouldn't take it. He only wanted the goods from the source. A panic for me who was getting ready to go back to work. Generally speaking, wait a good month or so, then give it a try. You certainly can pump and freeze your milk in the meantime to have some ready for when you are ready for an evening out sans baby.
One nurse that I met with with my first child had me so worked up over this idea of nipple confusion that I was panicked to offer him a pacifier. So you can imagine my surprise when my newest addition was offered a pacifier in the hospital by the nurses. What was this? What about the nipple confusion? She hasn't figured out breastfeeding yet! The answer? Non-nutritive sucking. Babies have a strong desire to suck. It is an important part of their development. Sucking on a pacifier helps build their jaw and muscle strength (making for better breastfeeding). And let's face it, they are going to figure out pretty fast that the pacifier does not supply them with food. They will spit it out and demand the real thing. And it may just do what it should, soothe them. (makes me wish I'd listened to my instincts with my first and just given him the soother when I knew he wasn't hungry, he just wanted to suck). I think that's the mistake that pacifier opponents are worried about, parents over using the soother. Giving it instead of the breast. Or, too early from feeding so that the baby doesn't really get a good feed with the hindmilk causing the baby not to gain weight. Like anything with parenting decisions, use common sense when it comes to pacifier use. The'll take it if they want it.

Sookie Baby

Soother, pacifier, dummy, sookie, paci - call it what you want. For my first it was the sookie, for my second it was the sousie. For both it was a mini contriversy.
I had 2 sookies in store before my first was born. I was fully prepared to use them mostly because my mom had a terrible time getting me and my brother to stop sucking our thumbs when we were younger (I'll admit that I sucked my thumb until I was about 6). Then I went to baby classes and breastfeeding classes. And being the new parent I was became completely scared off to use one. Breastfeeding mom's should not use a soother, I was told. I remember literally running to the drawer where I kept his soother (that he hadn't yet used) in a fit of panic deliberating whether or not it was okay to give it to him to calm him down when he was fully fed, fully dry and fully rested. I resisted as long as I could. I didn't give it to him until breastfeeding was completely established. By then I reasoned he knew the difference between a rubber nipple that doesn't give off milk and the real thing for dinner.
There's conflicting information out there about soothies. Babies naturally have a need to suck. Some find their thumbs to help them out and others don't. We've been giving soothers (and soother like things) to babies for centuries. Ever heard the expression, 'born with a silver spoon in their mouth'? Well, for some wealthy babies in the 1800's that was true. More commonly rags dipped in some sugary substance was used.
Once my oldest was on the soother, that was it, he was a sookie baby. The most common use I had for his soother was as a sleep aid once he'd finished nursing.
My second child didn't take to a soother, which was fine with us. He wasn't a thumb sucker either. He was just more contented...that is until I started to wean him. He was using me as a pacifier, not for eating and I had to figure out a way to use the breast only for eating purposes. In came the soother. And yes, although he was late at it, he took to it with great gusto.
If you do decide to use a soother with your little one be prepared to defend it, it's your choice. I've had more than one person come up to my perfectly contented little one and say, 'Get that dirty thing out of your mouth' and pull it out themselves. Boy did they get an earful of crying. (Gotta love other people who want to parent your kids for you).
Here are some tips to successful soother-ing:
-wait until breastfeeding is established before starting the soother. You want to make sure that you baby knows how to latch and feed and is gaining weight before using a soother (generally 4-6 weeks old)
-babies will generally use a soother to fall asleep and then spit it out, don't wake your baby up to put it back in their mouth. They've used it for what they need to and don't need to anymore - besides a sleeping child is a precious thing
-keep a second (and third, fourth, fifth...) soother on hand, because you know that you won't be able to find it when you really need it. Keep your spare soother(s) in a spot that both you and your spouse know for easy access
-watch for signs of wear and tear on a soother and replace it every couple of months, you don't want your little one to choke on it
-have your line of defense for using a soother ready for your relatives, neighbours, other mothers who would never do such a thing and random strangers who think they are the devil incarnate. Remember people have been using soothers for centuries with little ones. Maybe you just want to keep them off the thumb (you can take a sootehr away, but you can't take a thumb away). If it helps you and your baby, it's worth having.
-teach your little one other ways to soothe themselves. My first had a stuffed sheep for a 'lovey', my second is a big-time cuddler and hugs work wonders with him. Music is also a great tool (nothing like hearing your baby 'sing' themselves to sleep)
Not all babies will take to a soother and that's okay too. There is no 'one size fits all' for babies, they are all individuals. Find what works for you and go with it.